Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Oh Yeah??,,, Nothing useful in Skymall, eh??.. Okay, (affixes mini umbrellas to shoes)... Enjoy your wet feet

   The best part about babysitting the grandkids..... Being able to drink on the job!!

   Your whoroscope says you're gonna get "the herpes"

   If you think women are the weaker sex, try pulling the blankets back to your side in the middle of the night...

   Instead of wanting more, be happy with what you've got. Except you tiny p en*s guy, you should probably master oral.

   I have no tolerance for stupid people because, in most cases, stupidity is voluntary. They made a conscious decision to exist in that state.

   Leaving work for lunch.....hmmm...wait a minute....What the helll am I talking about....I dont even have a job.

   I wear a hoodie and shorts cause half of me don't give a s hit and half of me is cold…

   Hey Electoral college,,,, Sorry,, I wasn't paying attention,,,what do I do if my election lasts for more than 4 hours?

   Time to set the clocks ahead 23 hours.

   With all these scandals w/ big bird & now elmo I'm kinda glad they nvr told me how 2 get 2 sesame st.

   Siri is the only form of intelligent communication I've talked to on my phone since October 4, 2011.

   Never ask a cheater if they cheat. They'll cheat on that question too!

   Bed good outside bad!

   Totally cool to keep killing your people Bashar. Just don't use chemical weapons. Otherwise, we're all good.

   20 minutes later, and I can't remember who I "sanded my wood" to. I have to find better imaginary girlfriends.

   If I wanted to see American Horror Story I would just stalk the Kardashians

   You wouldn't think I've ever had a stroke unless you saw me trying to get my wallet out my back pocket while driving.

   Happy Mardi Gras Everyone, Party yourself in oblivion.

   Chris Dorner must have been pretty serious about Ash Wednesday when he set fire to that house.