Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I'm schizophrenic. I can have an orgy just by jerking off.

   "Zyzzyva, Zyxst, Zyxt..." - Noah Webster's last words

   If it wasn't for Google or Bing the world would be full of idiots

   I'm more of an Atrophy husband.

   You'd think there'd be another way of getting down from a horse other than just sitting there until it dies.

   Apparently, sitting down all day makes your bum grow bigger. All I have to do is figure out how I'll start sitting using my chest.

   Yes I'm back in the GYM working on my 6 pack already burned four, two more beers to go.

   I wonder what Billy Ray Cyrus thinks about his achy breakie slut. . .

   I love you so much I increased your life insurance. Now shut up and lets go camping in the bear-infested woods.

   60% of the time, it works everytime

   Luis Suarez - if you cant beat them bite them!

   My life feels like I'm constantly waiting while it's buffering

   Some people can judge a beer by just a sip but it takes me the whole glass.

   I knew a girl once who though she was a tease! But she wasn't good looking enough so she was just annoying !

   Facebook: Because why not think out loud to a bunch of strangers on the internet?

   Oh Yeah??,,, Nothing useful in Skymall, eh??.. Okay, (affixes mini umbrellas to shoes)... Enjoy your wet feet

   The best part about babysitting the grandkids..... Being able to drink on the job!!

   Your whoroscope says you're gonna get "the herpes"

   If you think women are the weaker sex, try pulling the blankets back to your side in the middle of the night...

   Instead of wanting more, be happy with what you've got. Except you tiny p en*s guy, you should probably master oral.