Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I thought Hurricane Harvey was the miss Universe thing

   If Pictionary is where you draw pictures then what’s Dictionary.

   CNN Breaking News: Falcons Playbook was Hacked by Russia!!!!

   A German Shepherd named Rumor won the Westminster Dog Show. He will now be breed...aka spreading Rumors.

   You all have heard of Murphy's Law right?.....It states that anything that can go wrong will go wrong....But have you heard of Cole's Law?...It's shredded cabbage.

   just microwaved some soup......ever get the feeling you're being watched?

   First that idiot cut me off in traffic, then he steals my parking spot, and now his stupid car got paint on my key!

   Class? Hardcore girl-on-girl porn is considered class? The human race is fcked up. Please kill us all now, God.

   When you sit on the toilet you connect your butt hole to a city wide network of other connected butt holes

   someone needs to make a cereal that's in the shape of little cows...when you add the milk, you're milking the cows

   Give that man two medals! One for being an idiot and another in case he loses the first one.

   I wish Living Social had deals on health insurance

   you know who never goes to music festivals?..Bands who sell a lot of tickets.

   I never knew Charlie Sheen drank, until I saw him sober once.

   You know how if you lay wrong you put your arm to sleep? Your story just did that to my whole body.

   Hands up if your down to get down tonight!!

   Ladies, how will we know you're going through a tough breakup if you're not clutching your coffee mug with both hands?

   No smartphones for my kids. They need to suffer from years of fleeting, awkward eye contact with strangers like I did.

   This b itch that started the whole "You can't hurry love" bullsh-it obviously gave terrible blow jobs.

   A broken spirit doesn't stay broken forever. When it's whole again, God have mercy on my tormenters, because I won't.