Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I don't care about rules because I'm a rebel, man. Yesterday I got on a bus and I stood in front of the white line and talked to the driver about Fight Club while the bus was moving.

   First that idiot cut me off in traffic, then he steals my parking spot, and now his stupid car got paint on my key!

   Class? Hardcore girl-on-girl porn is considered class? The human race is fcked up. Please kill us all now, God.

   When you sit on the toilet you connect your butt hole to a city wide network of other connected butt holes

   someone needs to make a cereal that's in the shape of little cows...when you add the milk, you're milking the cows

   Give that man two medals! One for being an idiot and another in case he loses the first one.

   I wish Living Social had deals on health insurance

   you know who never goes to music festivals?..Bands who sell a lot of tickets.

   I never knew Charlie Sheen drank, until I saw him sober once.

   You know how if you lay wrong you put your arm to sleep? Your story just did that to my whole body.

   Hands up if your down to get down tonight!!

   Ladies, how will we know you're going through a tough breakup if you're not clutching your coffee mug with both hands?

   No smartphones for my kids. They need to suffer from years of fleeting, awkward eye contact with strangers like I did.

   This b itch that started the whole "You can't hurry love" bullsh-it obviously gave terrible blow jobs.

   A broken spirit doesn't stay broken forever. When it's whole again, God have mercy on my tormenters, because I won't.

   Most important thing I learned today: My Talk to kids/Nice voice sounds INCREDIBLY HOMOSEXUAL

   My girlfriend called me lazy the other day. I almost responded.

   Ladies: Invest in men's weakness. Buy sexy lingerie.

   My stalker has never sent me a nude pic of herself, I don't think she is taking this relationship serious.

   My life advice to kids: In the end Blossom grew up to be Sheldon Cooper's girlfriend,,,, that's all you need to know.