Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Which Thanksgiving Day parade doesn't have Jimmy Fallon hot-dogging all over the place? Asking for a frien ... me.

   Everyone's up in arms over Pepe LePew romancing a cat. Newsflash: Most men are skunks and we romance pu$$y. Same difference. And I can promise you that trait isn't learned from a cartoon.

   First that idiot cut me off in traffic, then he steals my parking spot, and now his stupid car got paint on my key!

   Class? Hardcore girl-on-girl porn is considered class? The human race is fcked up. Please kill us all now, God.

   When you sit on the toilet you connect your butt hole to a city wide network of other connected butt holes

   someone needs to make a cereal that's in the shape of little cows...when you add the milk, you're milking the cows

   Give that man two medals! One for being an idiot and another in case he loses the first one.

   "Hello ICE? There are people speaking spanish in NYC."

   The only way to make sense of Scott Pruitt’s time at the EPA is if he opens a U.S. taxpayer-funded used mattress store in Moscow.

   "If he hasn't pissed you off yet, give him some time, he will."

   Alcohol doesn't make you fat. It makes you lean..... Against the walls, tables, chairs ect ect

   If Pictionary is where you draw pictures then what’s Dictionary.

   CNN Breaking News: Falcons Playbook was Hacked by Russia!!!!

   A German Shepherd named Rumor won the Westminster Dog Show. He will now be breed...aka spreading Rumors.

   You all have heard of Murphy's Law right?.....It states that anything that can go wrong will go wrong....But have you heard of Cole's Law?...It's shredded cabbage.

   just microwaved some soup......ever get the feeling you're being watched?

   I wish Living Social had deals on health insurance

   you know who never goes to music festivals?..Bands who sell a lot of tickets.

   I never knew Charlie Sheen drank, until I saw him sober once.

   You know how if you lay wrong you put your arm to sleep? Your story just did that to my whole body.