Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I'm almost perfect when I heavily edit my selfies.

   Love me like Oprah loves bread!

   I think after this Saturday night I'll be 85% lesbian.

   I've never seen anyone vaping in a car that didn't have at least three dents in it.

   Whatever you do, always give 100%. Unless you're donating blood.

   There is nothing like waking up with a pedestrian stuck to your bumper

   Always love April 21st as it's Random Drug Testing Day at work.

   ...... People at these rest area restrooms are creepy ... the guy in stall next to me makes wierd noises and has four feet

   When s**t happens turn it into fertilizer.

   Nukes don't kill people either, so we may as well stop trying to control that.

   They say a picture is worth a thousand words... have they ever noticed that a middle finger is worth a million?

   Judge your self-worth by how far you can stick your finger up your nose.

   When I say I have "true grit" right now, I'm not talking about how tough I am. Just that I happend to smile during this dust storm :/

   The only time I get name-dropped is in games of "Would You Rather".

   It would be impossible to throw Jesus a surprise birthday party.

   I saved a life today, because I asked a hobbo. what will he do if I gave him $1000, he said he will die of happinnes, so I didnt give him

   In a post-Gadaffi world, Hannukah is the only thing that gets to have 4 legal spellings.

   I see UFOs every night until they turn into FOs.

   Merry Christmas (I'm not showing off but I bet I get that trending all day today)

   I was standing in front of the mirror earlier, admiring my six pack for hours. Then I decide to put it back in the fridge and get a bottle of Champagne ... HAPPY NEW YEAR !!!!