Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Judge your self-worth by how far you can stick your finger up your nose.

   When I say I have "true grit" right now, I'm not talking about how tough I am. Just that I happend to smile during this dust storm :/

   The only time I get name-dropped is in games of "Would You Rather".

   It would be impossible to throw Jesus a surprise birthday party.

   I saved a life today, because I asked a hobbo. what will he do if I gave him $1000, he said he will die of happinnes, so I didnt give him

   In a post-Gadaffi world, Hannukah is the only thing that gets to have 4 legal spellings.

   I see UFOs every night until they turn into FOs.

   Merry Christmas (I'm not showing off but I bet I get that trending all day today)

   I was standing in front of the mirror earlier, admiring my six pack for hours. Then I decide to put it back in the fridge and get a bottle of Champagne ... HAPPY NEW YEAR !!!!

   Probably won't see War Horse. I'd definitely think about seeing a movie titled Skirmish Pony.

   My wife just said shes going to live in Estonia for 15 months! PARTY AT MY PLACE!!!

   "We found lunch in a homeless place" - Rihanna in a soup kitchen

   I call bullsh!t on these retro bottles of Coca-Cola. They make you add your own cocaine.

   Do I still get to be one of those uppity "I don't watch TV" people if it's just because I sold mine for methadone?

   The older your Facebook post, The "Creepier " your like becomes.

   To beer or not to beer? thats the question but what is the answer?

   Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that.

   never fish deeper than you can wiggle your worm

   Her: Leg or breast? Me: You know I'm an Breast man. Her: Sir, this is KFC.

   Two words that should never be together: Redneck Couture