Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I knew the struggle was real when I had to use a straw to get every last drop out of the whiskey bottle.

   *runs down the street to catch up to ice cream truck* hey are you guys hiring

   Some people have obsession with destruction.

   Honestly,, I don't think I can stomach stomach stomach stomach any more cow jokes

   Trust me on this one. Ever notice when first meeting a woman the first thing she does is size up a mans crotch. . .

   Warm weather brings all the crackheads out.

   Women have 2 guys in their life.. The one they are screwing, and the one they should be screwing.

   A good man is really hard to find.. When all you're looking for are the bad ones.

   Tell me about your day honey - Newlyweds

   Can't we just agree that disagreeing is what we agree on?

   My girlfriend and I were having sex so loud we woke up the whole house. My wife was furious.

   What insensitive jerk called it a "lisp" and not a "lithp"?

   The race is not always to the swift nor the battle to the stong, but that's the way to bet.

   Have you seen the infomercial for the hair removal thingy called, "NO-NO"? No wonder there haven't been any recent Bigfoot sightings!!!

   At the end of the new Adam Sandler movie they don't roll the credits they roll the blames.

   Happy Triskaidekaphobia Day!!! and a full moon to add to it

   What if I actually used to have a teenage son but his "I wish I was never born" wish came true after the fight we had when I asked him to take out the garbage? ...Take care son, Daddy loves you!

   I'll never be the one to cast the first stone, but I'll sure as hell cast the second one.

   There is never just one reality, we each have our own version.

   A blow job is just like a regular job excpet men love coming to it.