Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   not the droid you're looking for.

   You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen, it said 'Parking Fine.

   2 word's boys hate the most "dont" and "stop"...lets put them together instead!

   if you're single and unhappy, try being married!

   I stepped on a corn flake, now I'm a cereal killer!

   just taught my 4 year old son how to make stick people out of tampons

   Some people want to do crazy things and green amphibians we just want to have good time! Some people go woo they go quack quack some people nothing and want nothing and arent free, some people want to burn the world with greed, we just want good time!

   My friends keep saying that they wish there was a "dislike" button on Facebook. Personally, I would have a lot more fun with a "That's what she said" button

   wants to be Oprah"s secret half sister!

   loves playing "who can use the least amount of toilet paper so you don't have to change the roll" game....

   thinks Google Maps needs an "Avoid Ghetto" option.

   To reality check , sorry for not being up on Buick stock like you ... don't care .. as far as Tiger ..again ..don't care .. You take this crap seriously , don't you .. man , please go get laid !!!

   My mom said to me "Guess whose washing the dishes tonight?!"...I Soulja boyd her & said "YOUUUUUUUUUU!"

   Of course Trump hasn't doesn't pay taxes... He knows ALL the good loopholes,, Like, "Mail order brides are tax deductible"

   If you see a road sign that says "Survey Crew Ahead" they actually are not looking for your opinions. I know that now.

   The odds that Trump will get a fair shake from the corned beef pickle munching media are about as good as the odds I'll get a Justin Bieber tattoo in the small of my back!

   Believing Ru$$ian disinformation over US intelligence makes you a commie lover and your grandfathers must be turning in their graves with shame.

   Picture a fox. Wrong. They are smaller than that.

   Peope say to me, "hey bro why no tattoos?" I say, "would you put bumper stickers on a Ferrari?"

   One nicely manicured pu$$y is worth two in the bush.