Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   It takes more muscles to frown than to smile. Which proves that happy people are really f***ing lazy.

   How many women with PMS does it take to change a lightbulb? Seven. Why? COS IT JUST DOES OKAY......!!!!!!!!

   Did anyone else get prompted for payment for facebook?

   wonders if using the FB poke app is like cyber foreplay??? Cause if it is I got a freaking orgy about to start here!!!

   renting a midget for Halloween.

   Just taught my kids about taxes by eating 38% of their ice cream.

   McDonald's is down to their last pound of ground beef. That should be good for another million burgers.

   My fav iPhone 6 app,,,, Is actually still just "the telephone" one

   Before you give me your survey results, just know that numbers don’t impress me much anymore when it comes to human beings. I now value quality over quantity when it comes to crowds considering the number of idiots who have infiltrated the human race.

   "Never give up," I whisper to myself as I text her for the 68th time." Restraining order is on the way.

   I bet Kim Kardashian dyed her hair blonde to support Jodi Arias

   When is a good time to mention that St. Patrick was British and taken as a slave to Ireland for 6 years before escaping? Not today then?

   "Thanks FIFA for making me look like a boy scout!" - Tom Brady

   When reality comes knocking, I make tequila answers the door.

   Who's in bed with their phones ?

   COP: Sir do you know how fast you were scrolling?

   Sometimes I can hear the toaster in the other room asking to have a bath with me

   *arrives at hospital carrying a tiny chair... " Ummmm, Yes,,,, Where would you like my stool sample?"

   RIP Alan Rickman! By Grabthar's Hammer, you shall be avenged!

   wondering if Sarah Palin can still see Russia from her house.