Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   So...... Stub Hub isn't a dating site for quadriplegics?

   Say "no" to drugs. If drugs are talking to you, you've already had too many.

   Write down your crush's name on a piece of paper. Then eat the piece of paper. Don't post this, because nothing will happen. Tomorrow morning, you may be sick from eating the piece of paper..

   I would like to take this moment of silence for the black eyed peas career.... (grunting.... plop.... flush)

   I'm so hungry I even ate all the yellow Starbursts

   I just bought some new deodorant yesterday. The instructions said to remove the top and push up bottom. My butt hurts now but every time I fart the room smells awesome. 

   My wife is decorating our kitchen in a Cartoon Theme. She loves what I just got her for her birthday- The Official Scooby Doo Rofl Iron. Your Relcome Honey!

   "You are very squishy. So I shall name you squishy. And you shall be my little squishy."

   I would bet you $50 Gary Busey calls his nipples Gary-olas

   These gas prices are crazy,I'm tired of being Sandusky'd every time I fill up!

   I ask a friend why he left his girlfriend. He said "I'm gay, plus in the end is the way I like it."

   I want you all to know that this will be my last joke on here because I am going to die at midnight tonight as a result of not forwarding chain mail.

   Wine me, dine me, 49 me

   Every time I see birds walking I'm like "YOU CAN FLY WHY ARE YOU WALKING" and then I run them over.

   FOUR MORE BEERS!!! FOUR MORE BEERS!!! oops I mean, FOUR MORE YEARS!!! FOUR MORE YEARS!!!

   I went out for a jog but quickly came back 5 minutes later because I forgot something. I forgot that I'm fat and can't run for more than 5 minutes.

   Lady Gaga went to the VMA's dressed as meat, now she went to the Grammy's in a egg. Two more red carpets and she will be a Denny's Grand Slam

   was trying to live the "Sorority Life" in "Farmville", but got caught up in the "Mafia Wars" at "Farmtown".....now my "Farkle" is all "Bejeweled" up!!!!!...help!!!!!

   when God made saturn.. he liked it, so he put a ring on it

   Tim Tebow is the most famous white Bronco since OJ's truck