Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   There are three types of lies -- lies, damn lies, and statistics.

   Confuse people who bring hotel breakfast to you in bed by exclaiming, "You shouldn't have! Did the children help?"

   You know you're reached old age when you go to walmart for fiber supplements only to realize you had your blinker on the whole time...

   It:always Halloween at your house with all those skeletons in your closet.

   5 blocks and no one has given me any candy, this is going to be a long day..

   I want a girl I'm proud enough of to show off to my family and friends

   There is a difference from being catwoman and catlady...

   And for whatever reason, no one told em how to get to Sesame Street

   Did it for the vine. Court date pending ....

   Which one is Heckle and which one is Jeckle? And why did Mr. Hyde have to be a home wrecker?

   Dear Santa, Please get Apple to replace Siri with Channing Tatum

   KISS announced that they will not be performing at this year's Rock N' Roll Hall of Fame ceremony. Oh well. Hopefully we'll get a killer performance from the other inductee Nirvana.

   Oh Canada...Our Bars open at 6 AM!!!!

   I don’t care what people think but women with tattoos are very sexy. Also women who have a heartbeat and women without d*cks are very sexy too.

   Uh-huh...my underwear is!! -my excuse since Kindergarten. #stpattys

   A woman`s biggest temptations ~ bags, shoes, & gossips. A man`s biggest temptation ~ a woman !!

   Would give Justin Bieber in return for missing plane.

   It's cute how kids think band aids automatically take away all the pain and make everything better. That's alcohols job you little turds.

   I'm the life of the party after I pass out.

   I'm fine, she said, Don't worry about it she said, Go hang out with your friends she said I'm having a bonfire with all your stuff she said