Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   People have champagne taste with a beer budget in a materialistic world...

   Based on what politicians say it appears they care more about my future than I do.

   If I cut you off,chances are high that you gave me the scissors

   I'd insult your intelligence if you had any. Sadly, your stupidity has no boundaries.

   So bored with being bored because being bored is boring!

   that annoying moment when you close the wrong tab

   Goals for 2014: 1) 2) 3) 4) Don't die

   WORK THIS WEEK??? - My MIND TELLING me NOOOOOoooo!!!, but my wallet telling me...dude You need more alcohol!!

   happy 2 month anniversary to my 29 open browser tabs!

   Sometimes a status I have worked so hard on goes unnoticed and unliked. So I get it women who spent two hours getting ready and your boyfriend doesn’t even notice.

   Breaking: Denver complaining of contact high...they swear.

   Dear Monday.. I hate u...

   April Fools this year falls on a Tuesday. I want to order a case of the stick figure family stickers and head over to the mall and randomly put them on people’s windows just to confuse the hell out of them when they come out to find their vehicles. Whoâ

   A skeleton walks into a bar.He ordered a beer & a mop.

   I'm a real down-to-earth kind of guy. Because, you know, gravity.

   They're called "The Wonder Years" because you wonder where they went.

   Disappointed to tune into the Olympics to find that curling wasn't a Bicep competition.

   Have they invented the Sitbit yet ..its more my "fit"

   1: Acquire scuba gear. 2: Strap duck decoy to head. 3: Dive in local pond. 4: Enjoy unlimited free bread crumbs.

   I like to refer to it as a "Magic Carpet Ride" when I sit on HIS bearded face and HE works that tongue like Harry Potter wielding a wand.