Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   How do male Civil unions not end up with the phrase "I dude"

   He shall return as (James) Gandolfini the White.

   The wife held eye contact with me as she released a long fart,,,,, if you're wondering what a couple of 20 yrs does after the kid's in bed.

   Who Shot Hector Camacho? You thought I was going to say JR?

   Men with balls of steel get extra cold in the winter.

   I guess "Cyber Monday" is NOT what I thought it was. Just got served with 3 restraining orders. :(

   At the end of my dinner the waiter asks "wanna box" so I got up and knocked him the f out. I bet he will think twice about asking that question again.

   my husbands winter wardrobe is 50 shades of grey sweat pants...

   i wonder if Rihanna was watching Twilight when she wrote the lyrics "shine bright like a diamond"

   Men usually have a name for their "man parts". I guess I will call mine "Vinny and Da Two Yutes" :)

   "My boyfriend this. My boyfriend that. My boyfriend is cooler than you. My boyfriend bought me stuff" - girls that I hate

   you know someone it's obsessed with you when you delete them off your fb multiple times and they add you back instantly when you request them again

   I don't need flower scented air freshner, I just need one called "before I s hit..."

   Not enough people realize the value of slacking off.

   She said there was no spark between us, so I tazed her. I'll ask again when she wakes up.

   Thank you so much for waking me up at 7.30 this morning with your text informing me that I may be entitled to compensation for that car accident I had. That must be the one where I lost all memory of the whole day. Just send me a cheque and let me sleep i

   I hope her spirit animal is a spread eagle.

   If you get a recipe from a cannibal make sure it differentiates between ground chuck & ground Chuck.

   Forgetful? Can't remember where you put things? There's an app for that, somewhere...

   I am so sorry they can't dislodge my stress ball from your ass :(