Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Tonight I've used Brasso and leather soap! I imagine I smell like Joan Collins.

   ,,Bland salad,,,,, that needs adressing,!!

   I'm convinced that someone could start a facebook page that featured nothing but hideous women with three heads, and there'd still be guys that would comment, " Hola, mamacita, man joo shood come over to mi casa!"

   I hate when I’m all nice and snug in bed and my girlfriend is all like "Baaaabe I forgot my iPhone in your truck".........

   Do you think the fact that gorillas have big nostrils and big fingers are related in any way?

   If Downward Doggystyle counts, then yes, I do yoga.

   Khakis: What you need to start a car in Boston.

   Just seen an ass so big, it probably has its own heart.

   it rude to shoot yourself in the face when someone's talking?

   I'm pretty stoked about June. I've got Amanda Bynes in the celebrity dead pool!!

   What do you mean spray painting "SERVICE ANIMAL" on the side of my dog doesn't make it legal for her to be in Wally World?

   sometimes if there is a cute girl at the register, I'll purposely purchase a "magnum" when I check out. BOOM!

   I love pillow talk as much as the next guy but saying "Put your needle in my haystack" isn't exactly a confidence builder.

   How do male Civil unions not end up with the phrase "I dude"

   He shall return as (James) Gandolfini the White.

   The wife held eye contact with me as she released a long fart,,,,, if you're wondering what a couple of 20 yrs does after the kid's in bed.

   Who Shot Hector Camacho? You thought I was going to say JR?

   Men with balls of steel get extra cold in the winter.

   I guess "Cyber Monday" is NOT what I thought it was. Just got served with 3 restraining orders. :(

   At the end of my dinner the waiter asks "wanna box" so I got up and knocked him the f out. I bet he will think twice about asking that question again.