Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Men with balls of steel get extra cold in the winter.

   I guess "Cyber Monday" is NOT what I thought it was. Just got served with 3 restraining orders. :(

   At the end of my dinner the waiter asks "wanna box" so I got up and knocked him the f out. I bet he will think twice about asking that question again.

   my husbands winter wardrobe is 50 shades of grey sweat pants...

   i wonder if Rihanna was watching Twilight when she wrote the lyrics "shine bright like a diamond"

   Men usually have a name for their "man parts". I guess I will call mine "Vinny and Da Two Yutes" :)

   "My boyfriend this. My boyfriend that. My boyfriend is cooler than you. My boyfriend bought me stuff" - girls that I hate

   you know someone it's obsessed with you when you delete them off your fb multiple times and they add you back instantly when you request them again

   I don't need flower scented air freshner, I just need one called "before I s hit..."

   Not enough people realize the value of slacking off.

   She said there was no spark between us, so I tazed her. I'll ask again when she wakes up.

   Thank you so much for waking me up at 7.30 this morning with your text informing me that I may be entitled to compensation for that car accident I had. That must be the one where I lost all memory of the whole day. Just send me a cheque and let me sleep i

   I hope her spirit animal is a spread eagle.

   If you get a recipe from a cannibal make sure it differentiates between ground chuck & ground Chuck.

   Forgetful? Can't remember where you put things? There's an app for that, somewhere...

   I am so sorry they can't dislodge my stress ball from your ass :(

   "I would rather have my balls repetitively stomped on by a woman wearing high heels" -My response to a "Hanson" concert invite-

   What you do when people sing happy birthday to you: 5% - Sing. 10% - Smile. 85% - Sit there like a dumbf#ck trying to figure out what to do.

   Whatever doesn't kill you makes me angrier.

   Instead of thinking outside the box, why dont we get rid of the box?