Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   it rude to shoot yourself in the face when someone's talking?

   I'm pretty stoked about June. I've got Amanda Bynes in the celebrity dead pool!!

   What do you mean spray painting "SERVICE ANIMAL" on the side of my dog doesn't make it legal for her to be in Wally World?

   sometimes if there is a cute girl at the register, I'll purposely purchase a "magnum" when I check out. BOOM!

   I love pillow talk as much as the next guy but saying "Put your needle in my haystack" isn't exactly a confidence builder.

   How do male Civil unions not end up with the phrase "I dude"

   He shall return as (James) Gandolfini the White.

   The wife held eye contact with me as she released a long fart,,,,, if you're wondering what a couple of 20 yrs does after the kid's in bed.

   Who Shot Hector Camacho? You thought I was going to say JR?

   Men with balls of steel get extra cold in the winter.

   I guess "Cyber Monday" is NOT what I thought it was. Just got served with 3 restraining orders. :(

   At the end of my dinner the waiter asks "wanna box" so I got up and knocked him the f out. I bet he will think twice about asking that question again.

   my husbands winter wardrobe is 50 shades of grey sweat pants...

   i wonder if Rihanna was watching Twilight when she wrote the lyrics "shine bright like a diamond"

   Men usually have a name for their "man parts". I guess I will call mine "Vinny and Da Two Yutes" :)

   "My boyfriend this. My boyfriend that. My boyfriend is cooler than you. My boyfriend bought me stuff" - girls that I hate

   you know someone it's obsessed with you when you delete them off your fb multiple times and they add you back instantly when you request them again

   I don't need flower scented air freshner, I just need one called "before I s hit..."

   Not enough people realize the value of slacking off.

   She said there was no spark between us, so I tazed her. I'll ask again when she wakes up.