Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   My x-Girlfriend's cell phone got more attention than I did. I asked her, how long does it have to vibrate before you get off !

   Got my popcorn ready to pop. Sodas chilling in the refrigerator. While waiting for the Apprentice tapes to be released. MAGA.

   For Halloween I'm going to wear a t-shrit with the word life on it and hand out lemons.

   If your wife tells you that your right. Is that sarcasm?

   Not sure how many trick-or-treaters we will get, so better buy 400x more than I expect.

   Just saw a guy in the laundrymat throw in his NO FEAR white t-shirt with his colors. That guy is living the dream.

   You can tell a lot about a woman by the way she walks...... If she sways her hips from side to side she's good in bed. .. If she takes small steps she's unadventurous. .. If she's tiptoeing away from you shes got your credit card

   My wife likes to leave her shoes by the back door, so it always looks like 49 women with the same shoe size are over for a visit

   21) For mad scientists who keep brains in jars, here’s a tip: why not add a slice of lemon to each jar, for freshness?

   You should be allowed to pet a dog without having to say a word to the owner.

   My dentist switched me to this new sensitive toothpaste and now I can't stop crying

   2 idians running water and falling rocks went hunting in the mountains But only running water returned back to the tribe A scout went looking for falling rocks but never found him And to this day you'll see signs in the mountains watchout for falling rock

   My brother has stop talking to his wife after she refused to join the mile high club with him. If I know her she doesn't give a flying fu*k.

   Joke's on you, fanny pack thief. That was my decoy fanny pack.

   Farting is an excellent example of faith. You are not 100% certain that something extra won't come out but still you push

   Should I make healthy lifestyle choices? Nah. I'd rather die sooner and happy, than live a year or two longer and die miserable.

   Stay tuned, folks... it's getting close to my, "It's a New Year, It's A New Me" delusional time again.

   All my life, I’ve lived in walk-up buildings with no elevators. Mom was right – she told me I was always going to attract stairs.

   How in the world can I make wise life choices when I still use my fingers to add, sing the alphabet to see which letter comes next and think that BBQ potato chips are actually cooked on a BBQ?

   Me: "Doc, I just got back from Thailand and there's something wrong with my feet." Doc: "what is it" Me: "My pecker keeps dripping on them..."