Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Ladies please stop editing your pictures what if you go missing how are we going to find you you look like Janet Jackson on Facebook but in person you look like Freddie Jackson

   My x-Girlfriend's cell phone got more attention than I did. I asked her, how long does it have to vibrate before you get off !

   Got my popcorn ready to pop. Sodas chilling in the refrigerator. While waiting for the Apprentice tapes to be released. MAGA.

   For Halloween I'm going to wear a t-shrit with the word life on it and hand out lemons.

   Should I make healthy lifestyle choices? Nah. I'd rather die sooner and happy, than live a year or two longer and die miserable.

   Stay tuned, folks... it's getting close to my, "It's a New Year, It's A New Me" delusional time again.

   All my life, I’ve lived in walk-up buildings with no elevators. Mom was right – she told me I was always going to attract stairs.

   How in the world can I make wise life choices when I still use my fingers to add, sing the alphabet to see which letter comes next and think that BBQ potato chips are actually cooked on a BBQ?

   Me: "Doc, I just got back from Thailand and there's something wrong with my feet." Doc: "what is it" Me: "My pecker keeps dripping on them..."

   You can tell a lot about a person by the music on their iPod.

   Divorce Log 2006: My ex had her credit card stolen, but I didn't report it. The person who stole it used it less than she did.

   I'm sick of people contradicting me when I insist that there IS such a thing as an emotional support lasagna.

   Me: I guess I’ll take four dollars Wendy’s Drive thru cashier: That’s not how the dollar menu works

   Hey, I ain't bragging, but pretty much every pot I've ever watched has boiled.

   Remember: when you kiss someone's elbow, you're also kissing the gut of every person they've ever elbowed.

   ¡ʎɐqǝ uo pɹɐoqʎǝʞ ɐ ʎnq I ǝɯᴉʇ ʇsɐl ǝɥʇ sᴉ sᴉɥʇ

   YAY! Mr. Peanut back.

   Hooters is not closing per se. It's going strictly delivery. It's changing its name to "Knockers"...

   I'm so old I remember when the Beatles where are the New Kids on the Block.

   Who's the most popular guy at the nudist camp? The one carrying two pots of coffee and a dozen donuts.