Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Canada doesn't allow polygamy ,so I got me a wife with Multiple personalities .

   Call me old-fashioned, but I think if a kid’s old enough to feel comfortable saying, “Christ, Dad, can’t this thing go any faster?” they should get out of the stroller and walk.

   Top 5 Zones 5 – Twilight 4 – O 3 – End 2 – In the 1- Cal

   Why is that whenever the doorbell rings my dogs always think it is for them?

   They say there is light at the end of the tunnel. I think the bulb might be blown

   No officer I'm not a drug mule. I just like sticking things up my butt.

   Ariel the Little Mermaid never got married. She just ended up with a whole bunch of catfish.

   Ladies please stop editing your pictures what if you go missing how are we going to find you you look like Janet Jackson on Facebook but in person you look like Freddie Jackson

   My x-Girlfriend's cell phone got more attention than I did. I asked her, how long does it have to vibrate before you get off !

   Got my popcorn ready to pop. Sodas chilling in the refrigerator. While waiting for the Apprentice tapes to be released. MAGA.

   For Halloween I'm going to wear a t-shrit with the word life on it and hand out lemons.

   I always wonder if the KKK pay double time for working on MLK Day or do they just get a new set of sheets with a higher thread count?

   I heard Rickon Stark's favorite band is One Direction.

   The United Kingdom just asked Donald Trump's father for a small loan.

   .... Everyone has that one person in their life that is lucky to be alive and is only still breathing because you can't afford a hit-man ...

   You shoot down a Russian plane at your own peril Turkey. 1 Russian Pilot = 42 Dead Turks.

   I can't be bothered to download Pokemon GO. So I just threw a basketball at my next door neighbor's rabbit.

   Divorce: The end of an error.....

   "Is that a gun in your pants ... or are you happy to see me?" ..... Melania Sanchez

   I like people who make me laugh, make me think and make me coffee. Not necessarily in that order....