Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Caution: Cape does not enable user to fly.

   the illness is gone but only from the outside ...

   You know what a lot of words mean, it's just really hard to explain it

   congratulations Vodka man! You've just been named public enemy number 1 in a matter of 10 minutes...

   What? Athletes AND celebrities use their product? Why, I'd be a fool NOT to have my credit card handy when I call!

   If you're one in a million, there are six thousand people exactly like you.

   Either Mother Nature had one of the best pranks in history for April Fools by saying that we were getting 7 inches of snow today or our weather men are just plain retarded! Either way....well played!

   The only time the world beats a path to your door is if you're in the bathroom

   thankful for my mistakes for they have been my greatest teachers... Happy Teacher's Day.!!

   Now accepting applications for FWB. Several positions open. Please email me photos and resume.

   COMING SOON to an interstate near you, OSAMA ON PARADE, sources say he will be dragged behind a series of army hummers, police cruisers and firetrucks,he will be taken to ground zero and they will charge 20 dollars to piss on his body, thus clearing our n

   payin for those jalapenos! My ass is on fire!!

   It's Friday, Friday Gotta get down on Friday Everybody's lookin' forward to the weekend....no.....no not all

   The "Person. Women. Man. Camera. TV." test was more difficult than my law exams.

   When it comes to getting projects done I'm a real pro..............crastinator

   Friend: Don't worry, there are plenty of fish in the sea.... Me: Yeah, that and crabs.

   You know how sailors used to get scurvy from not eating citrus fruit/vitamin C? Well if there’s a disease that one gets from eating cheesecake I’m going to have it by Friday around noon.

   My husband told me the garage light would shut off within 3 minutes of shutting the garage door, and it’s only been 4 days, but I’m starting to think he might be wrong.

   To be safe, avoid all vegetables and just eat pies for Thanksgiving.

   Good newsh, I'm shurvivfing the dentisht wivout any notishable shide affecshss!