Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Hates it when all the voices in my head say "Gesundheit" at the same time after I sneeze..

   My reputation as a ladies' man is a joke that has often caused me to laugh bitterly through the ten thousand nights I have spent alone.

   The entire freak show from the carnival was shopping at walmart and no one noticed....I gave a bearded lady a buck anyway

   The desire of the man is for the woman, but the desire of the woman is for the desire of the man.

   I know ..., I'm just like the rest of you. I completely misjudged 'Ice loves Coco'

   Has anyone figured out yet why women love chocolate so much ?

   remembers when Cheddar was still a cheese

   Got held up at customs again. Think it might be because of my rock look.

   Caution: Cape does not enable user to fly.

   the illness is gone but only from the outside ...

   You know what a lot of words mean, it's just really hard to explain it

   congratulations Vodka man! You've just been named public enemy number 1 in a matter of 10 minutes...

   What? Athletes AND celebrities use their product? Why, I'd be a fool NOT to have my credit card handy when I call!

   If you're one in a million, there are six thousand people exactly like you.

   Either Mother Nature had one of the best pranks in history for April Fools by saying that we were getting 7 inches of snow today or our weather men are just plain retarded! Either way....well played!

   The only time the world beats a path to your door is if you're in the bathroom

   thankful for my mistakes for they have been my greatest teachers... Happy Teacher's Day.!!

   Now accepting applications for FWB. Several positions open. Please email me photos and resume.

   COMING SOON to an interstate near you, OSAMA ON PARADE, sources say he will be dragged behind a series of army hummers, police cruisers and firetrucks,he will be taken to ground zero and they will charge 20 dollars to piss on his body, thus clearing our n

   payin for those jalapenos! My ass is on fire!!