Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   The entire freak show from the carnival was shopping at walmart and no one noticed....I gave a bearded lady a buck anyway

   The desire of the man is for the woman, but the desire of the woman is for the desire of the man.

   I know ..., I'm just like the rest of you. I completely misjudged 'Ice loves Coco'

   Has anyone figured out yet why women love chocolate so much ?

   remembers when Cheddar was still a cheese

   It's funny how after an argument is over you begin to think about more clever things you should have said...

   My ten year old son is wearing Axe deodorant to school today, so lets hope I'm not a granddad 9 months from now.

   Just got back from the ER. They told me that my Gallbladder was unremarkable. I'm kind of fond of it though.

   You would think with all the money Dora has, she could buy a GPS instead of relying on "the map"

   Dear people who keep referring back to the good old days, why don't you stop using toilet paper and revert back to leaves so we can know your days were all that

   I meant to tell her she's weird but ended up writing wired. Anyway, still appropriate coz you know, NSA.

   If you don't want the answer to smack you straight in the mouth then I think it's probably best left un said!

   Any argument where she says I can do whatever I want always ends with me not doing whatever I want to do.

   May your valentine's day be full of all the sinful things people give up for Lent!!

   To ease my mind, I just pretend the Die Hard sequels were written and directed by Hans Gruber as he fell from Nakatomi Plaza.

   The Home Office have declined my passport renewal on the grounds they cannot except 'It's complicated' as a marital status.

   I just want somebody that I can hangout with and play on my phone next to all day.

   Saw a man with a phone in a holster strapped to his belt, he did not admit I'm quite sure he's from the Old testament part of the bible.

   JAB. I'd of been a success by now if my mind would of come up with a trillion dollar idea already. . .

   I hate it when someone says 'Get on my level', cause how do I know what level you're on? Do I go up or down? Because I'm on level 78.