Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   age has nothing to do with experience... and everything to do with ability

   imagining a world with no hypothetical situations.

   out like the Red Sox! good night!

   Facebook = just giving people another way to air out dirty laundry online. 1,000,000 satisfied customers daily. : )

   wishes Carrie Prejean would stop sending me video tapes...I told her it is over.

   Trying to figure out how I got this headache...nevermind I just found a receipt telling me.

   Cancel my subscription, cause I'm over your issues!

   kids learn from fairy tales. like goldilocks and 3 bears teaches us that you can sneak into people's place, eat their food, break their furnituer and sleep in their beds as long as you can run fast and you are blond!

   trying to decide: laundry today or naked tomorrow?

   Any intelligent man who reads the marriage contract, and then goes into it, deserves all the consequences.

   Went down the doctors today because I have been hearing voices coming from my Pants.The doctor said " Ignore them they're just Talking Bollocks!"

   Children: You spend the first 2 years of their life teaching them to walk and talk. Then you spend the next 16 years telling them to sit down and shut up.

   Hannah Montana... I mean oops! Don't you hate it when you get the status feed and the search box mixep up? wow, how embarassing."

   asks how many tweets could tweetybird tweet if tweetybird could tweet tweets? Haha let's put some twists unto our tongue.

   come on BP...Mary Ann or Ginger would have had this leak in the Gulf fixed without any help from the Progessor BY NOW!!!!!

   They call me Dr. Love, I got the cure you're thinkin' of.

   I'm putting out my own sex tape. Sure, it's only duct tape, but you can use it for sex too.

   Knows that some people are like slinkies, there not really good for anything but they still bring a smile to your face when you push them down the stairs.

   I was arrested for impersonating a police officer last night.It turned out alright in the end though; I let myself go without pressing any charges.

   Don't judge a a person on some crap that you heard about their past. If you wasn't in it then it's none of your business.!!!