Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   asks how many tweets could tweetybird tweet if tweetybird could tweet tweets? Haha let's put some twists unto our tongue.

   come on BP...Mary Ann or Ginger would have had this leak in the Gulf fixed without any help from the Progessor BY NOW!!!!!

   Trying to figure out how I got this headache...nevermind I just found a receipt telling me.

   Cancel my subscription, cause I'm over your issues!

   kids learn from fairy tales. like goldilocks and 3 bears teaches us that you can sneak into people's place, eat their food, break their furnituer and sleep in their beds as long as you can run fast and you are blond!

   Seeking one-night stand... Possibly 2 because I have two lamps.

   "STOP LAUGHING AT US!" - Americans to the rest of the world

   Trump, Conway and Spicer have now been joined in the "Shameless Joke with No Credibility" parade by Mr. Nunes. Is there room for four stooges?

   Everyone is afraid for their lives, but I guess only cops can use it as a defense.

   I'd prefer to believe in Scientology rather than that stupid Q conspiracy.

   it wrong to write, "He owed me $50" in the funeral guest book?

   My wife thinks I’m crazy. But I’m not the one who married me.

   If the White House really wants to close Guantanamo Bay, why not just appoint Donald Trump its new CEO?

   Scott Baio speaks at the GOP convention on Monday and the creator of Happy Days dies on Tuesday. Coincidence? I think not.

   Don't worry about Trump, his supporters will still vote for him if he killed a baby in broad daylight with witnesses watching. So what The Donald loves to grope women?!?!

   Don't judge a a person on some crap that you heard about their past. If you wasn't in it then it's none of your business.!!!

   Please don't wish me sweet dreams, I am diabetic.

   my "sleep number" is a 12.....pack

   If you watch the looting videos in reverse, they are really generous people

   I hate when a singer I can't stand comes out with a song that is UNLIKE them and I like it and don't even realize it is them. Then someone tells me who it is and it ruins the song for me.