Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   My son just said he doesn't like bacon and now I have to kill the mailman

   Casey Kasem: Coming to a milk carton near you.

   Can you give me the opposite of these words quickly: Always, Coming, From, Take, Me, Down

   The day the progressive lady makes out with the Wendy's girl is the day I become a loyal customer to both.

   How come boogers come out so easy, and they are SO hard to get off your finger?

   You just don't know what awkward is until you call out your wife's name while having sex with her sister.

   Ice bucket challenge: als foundation admits less than 27% of donations fund research and cures

   Curling irons come with a warning label saying "For external use only." OK, now which of you sick women made that necessary?

   If you're afraid of the Dentist, it's probably because you don't go to the Dentist...

   Seeing the media give most of their coverage to Trump and barely any to Bernie must be what watching the news in North Korea is like.

   If you take Trump seriously, I assumed you weren't hugged enough as a child. Probably not getting enough sex as an adult either.

   Trump constantly flip flops on his positions, no one wants to see him wearing flip flops.

   Donald Trump willing to appear on national TV with that hair must possess extraordinary courage.

   And The Bro saith unto them, Follow me to the club, and I will make you fishers of women. Bromans 4:19

   never make eye-contact with anyone while eating a banana

   Go to Heaven for the climate, Hell for the company.

   (̅_̅_̅(̲̲̲̲̲̅̅̅̅̅̅(̅_̅_̲̅м̲̅a̲̅я̲̅l̲̅b̲̅o̲̅r̲̅o̲̅̅ _̅_̅_̅() ڪے one of my weaknesses.

   80's rock group Starship shocked after hearing the President's speech to find that they didn't build that city on rock and roll, someone else did.

   Women are designed for two things: making babies and making sandwiches, and they need help with the first one.

   Menstruation, menopause, mental breakdowns... Ever notice how most womens problems begin with men???