Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   The day the progressive lady makes out with the Wendy's girl is the day I become a loyal customer to both.

   How come boogers come out so easy, and they are SO hard to get off your finger?

   You just don't know what awkward is until you call out your wife's name while having sex with her sister.

   Ice bucket challenge: als foundation admits less than 27% of donations fund research and cures

   Curling irons come with a warning label saying "For external use only." OK, now which of you sick women made that necessary?

   If you're afraid of the Dentist, it's probably because you don't go to the Dentist...

   Seeing the media give most of their coverage to Trump and barely any to Bernie must be what watching the news in North Korea is like.

   If you take Trump seriously, I assumed you weren't hugged enough as a child. Probably not getting enough sex as an adult either.

   Trump constantly flip flops on his positions, no one wants to see him wearing flip flops.

   Donald Trump willing to appear on national TV with that hair must possess extraordinary courage.

   And The Bro saith unto them, Follow me to the club, and I will make you fishers of women. Bromans 4:19

   If you are not looking to get pregnant, the pill is the second best thing a girl can put in her mouth to avoid pregnancy

   If your man enough to hit it, your mand enough to take care of it.

   Pick it, pack it, fire it up come along, and take a hit from the bong

   Man is the only animal that has the True Religion – several of them. He is the only animal that loves his neighbor as himself and cuts his throat, if his theology isn't straight.

   ■When I was little… I always thought the moon was following my car.

   If I was the Director of NASA, I would make all of the ground crew dress up as Apes when the space shuttle Atlantis lands just to screw with them....now that would make a good movie...

   changing my iPhone signature to say, Sent from my bathroom.

   sometimes I stroll through homeless shelters handing out real estate pamphlets just for fun.

   Life is funny. Well ok, just My life. Ok everyone please stop LOL-ing,ROFL-ing, and LMMAO-ing. Thank you