Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Im so tired of this winter and snow that I rigged a gasoline can to my leaf blower, I'm on a mission now to melt all the snow so I can mow later

   When I see a bumper sticker that says "Bring home the Troops," I mentally finish the sentence with "then send in the Ninjas."

   Why is it called 'dry humping' when I still need a towel?

   brushing his tooth

   Cheers to alcohol the cause of and solution to all life's problems.

   aim for the moon because even if you miss you will land in the stars

   wants to know what do you give a sick florist?

   does Charlie Daniels play a mean fiddle

   Her bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that sh*t together with floss...

   I was thinking of becoming a doctor. I have the handwriting for it...

   The worst thing you can say to a man is "Are you in yet.."

   In Amsterdam, everyone rides a bicycle and no one cares how excited you are to buy marijuana.

   Anything that is not about elephants is irrelphant.

   Done today: ☑ Got groceries, ☑ Relaxed, ☑ Eating, ☑ Been cool, ☑ [Censored].

   Apparently 2010 is not the year for Miners.....

   at home on White Wednesday.....just sayin

   feels sorry for people who are on trial. Their future is put into the hands of 12 people who weren't smart enough to get out of jury duty.

   If you are not looking to get pregnant, the pill is the second best thing a girl can put in her mouth to avoid pregnancy

   If your man enough to hit it, your mand enough to take care of it.

   Pick it, pack it, fire it up come along, and take a hit from the bong