Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   when I am bored, I like to park on the side of the freeway and stick a blow dryer out the window and watch the cars slam on their brakes

   MAN: "Hi. I'm Bond.....James Bond. What's your name?" WOMAN: "Off.....Fu¢k Off."

   The world ain't ending on the 21st of december 2012, cuz Marty, Jennifer and Dr. Brown from Back To The Future II will be coming to this world on 15th of October 2015.

   2012...End of the WORLD... 2013 ... End of the Rumor...

   I love the taste of tuna, but I'm not a fan of the smell. This is true about something else as well, but I can't put my finger in it. Hmm.

   I bet it didn't take Prince Harry long to tell Princess Kate that nausea can be cured by sucking on ginger

   FYI: A great white shark, is just a normal shark with khakis and a high credit score.

   i love when my parents go away and leave me money for food.. little do they know I spend it on drugs and alcohol!

   Officer I'm not trying to be a jack ass but if you caught me speeding dosn't that mean you were speeding to?

   I miss the days when people used to be less nostalgic.

   To "scratch" your balls is a false saying. It's more of a "pinch and roll"

   says my Karma just ran over my Dogma!

   A lion would never cheat on his wife, but a tiger wood.

   ...Demi & Ashton tweet about doing master cleanse diet. Can't wait to see the pic of his 1st bowel movement taken w/the Nikon CoolPix camera... lol!

   whenever somebody says "Stop Laughing! It's not funny you guys" means "It's funny, just lets please laugh about it later"

   Just got home and found all the doors smashed in and everything gone!!! What kind of weirdo does that to someones advent calender ?

   Having the best damn time I can before Monday. Can I get an Amen?!

   a member of the Jehovah's Witness protection program.

   Everyone is calling me and texting me saying some big idiot is running down the road with nothing but a diaper on..where are you going?

   I want to shoot and eat a lion. Not for his meat. But for his powers.