Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Seriously, if you get turned on by watching a woman eat a banana, then you've had some pretty terrible blow jobs.

   trapped in the Facebook status message textbox; send help!

   Dec. 4 1979 it was 91 deg. Was it Global Waring then too?

   Judge: "how do you plead?" Me: "your honor I plead oopsie daisies."

   If you're a vegan an atheist and a liberal, how do you choose which way to annoy people at Thanksgiving first?

   I met a black clown and a white clown. The white clown made me a balloon animal. The black clown stole my wallet.

   it just me or does Obama look like an Angry Bird?

   I never really understood why people drive around the parking lot looking for a spot right near the door, only to get out and walk around the mall for 5 hours...

   White male, AKA inventors of nearly everything on earth...

   I'm so out of your league, even your fantasy version of me ignores you.

   if dinosaurs really existed why dont you hear about them in the bible?...not even loading 2 of them on the ark

   After the morning news...decided I didnt need to play R.E.M (It's the end of the world, as we know it ) every morning, like I have since November 2008.....Bahahahahaha

   considering starting a Hooters for us girls. It will be called C*cks, feature a rooster instead of an owl, and only hire gorgeous, well-hung boy toys.

   ...is a Vagitarian. :-)

   America: We blow sh*t up better than the rest of yous funny-talkin' countries.

   Loves getting the mail at 3:30 in the afternoon. If my postman were any lazier I'd say he was Puerto Rican

   I saw my lawyer at the grocery store but I didn’t speak to him because I didn’t have $300 on me.

   M uslims killing M uslims is a NO NO in I slam. But killing anybody else who is not a M uslim is perfectly fine.

   got the power

   i bet evry person that has ever been on The Maury Povich Show voted for Obama.