Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Hillary Clinton being a good mom asked Chelsea the day before her wedding if she had sex with Marc. Chelsea said "NO" according to dad!!

   watched JAWS backwards last night - it is a good movie about a SHARK that puts a boat back together (with it's mouth) and puts people on the boat, and then throws-up people until they open the beach!!!

   You might not be the best looking girl in here, but beauty is only a light switch away!

   i've yet to meet a woman who got pregnant from swallowing

   Il take a bullet for you! But not in the head, like in the leg or something

   wishes my lawn was suicidal, then maybe it would cut itself!

   Ok England fans...you were saying?...."sounds of silence"

   Actors in India must hate always being type-caste!

   what's worse than the dog chewing your shoe? The killer whale eating your trainer!!!

   “You know who else briefly went offline this week?” -Youth pastor

   "If one day speed kills me , Don't cry because I was smiling" - Paul Walker

   Canadian bacon is just bacon with good healthcare and a strong sense of national pride.

   I went to Google today.... Are the Obamas going on vacation again?

   Women are not allowed to drive in Saudi Arabia. That explains the low accident rates.

   I was kicked out of the Nintendo thoughts group for my idea about a Wii game for disabled people. Apparently Wii-Tards isn't a great name.

   If you tell me about your problems and I say I will pray for you, it’s just my polite way of saying fcuk off, you’re on your own.

   Every day is "hump day" to my neighbor's dog....get off of my leg you mangy mutt!

   I think these bath salts turned me into Hannibal Lector...I just ate a Jehovah's Witness with a side of fava beans! ツ

   HOLIDAY PARTY TIP: If the mood's right under the mistletoe, don't be afraid to go in for a little mistlefinger.

   NASCAR in KENTUCKY!! WOOOHOOOO!! Where there will be more fans than teeth and you will hear this: "Please remove your mulllets for the singing of the National Anthem"