Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   sitting here at my command center wondering which country I will systematically destroy today... ~stroking my beard~

   Baseball is so boring now. Bring back the Steroids!!

   I swear... my remote just decides to take random vacations sometimes.

   I got one of those Instant Pot gadgets for Christmas. What a load of BS. 3 days now and it hasn't produced any weed whatsoever. Instant Pot my eye.

   Will the last person to leave NY remember to bring a pizza?

   I'm preemptively preparing for the upcoming pancake shortage. 🥞🥞🥞🥞🥞🥞🥞🥞🥞🥞🥞🥞🥞🥞🥞🥞🥠žðŸ¥žðŸ¥žðŸ¥žðŸ¥žðŸ¥žðŸ¥žðŸ¥žðŸ¥žðŸ¥žðŸ¥ž

   "I am a proud independent black woman." - Melania Trump

   .... In case you are wondering kiddies ..... Bongs are definitely the sound of Unemployment .... So stay away from them ... Well ... unless you're a Democrat .... Then that is probably why you became one in the first place.

   All Women Do Is Drink Wine And Order crap Off Amazon

   I miss the 80's. (The temperatures, not the decade.)

   So in retrospect, in 2015, no one got the answer right to the question, "Where do you see yourself in 2020?"

   helped my neighbor with something this morning and she said to me "I could marry you!" I couldn't believe it... you do something nice for someone and they threaten to ruin your life in return...

   Clinton vs Trump. Whoever wins, We lose.

   Hillary Guitar: Shrill tone, difficult to find input jack, available in Benghazi Blood, Millenial Snowflake White, or Jumpsuit Jail Orange finish.

   Looking forward to the nuclear disarmament talks with Justin Bieber next month.

   I ordered a Chicken off of Amazon and an Egg off of eBay. I'll let you know.

   giving away FREE Donkey Punches!

   Don't join dangerous cults: Practice safe sects.

   When I was a kid we were so poor. We couldn't afford Easter eggs so my mom would hide her ben-wa balls in the yard instead. And if we didn't find them all she would be really mad.

   Im single by choice. Not 100% my choice, but still a choice!