Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   After I won my divorce trial I FEDexd my ex-wife's attorney a consolation prize of a broom and a witches hat.

   If you're not the lead dog, the scenery never changes!

   I am the kind of guy who will call you on your landline and ask you if you are at home.

   Next time she wants to talk to me tell her I'm too busy & trying to get that damn knife out of my back

   sitting here at my command center wondering which country I will systematically destroy today... ~stroking my beard~

   Baseball is so boring now. Bring back the Steroids!!

   I swear... my remote just decides to take random vacations sometimes.

   Combined "no problem" and "your welcome" to an upset customer ... its not good saying "your problem" at the end of a phone call .. whoops

   Grocery shopping right after a buffet dinner sucks!!

   Question is: Am I responsible enough to be in charge of cooking oil after 5 beers. We shall see. If I catch the house on fire you'll all be the first to know, I'll update on the way out :D

   Cesar Millan's tactics work perfectly fine on teenagers just as much as they work on dogs.

   Just a reminder. If it sounds too good to be true... don't click on it. Your naïveté is posted all over our walls, and frankly, I'm embarrassed for you.

   4/20 is the day that some of you celebrate smokin dope. 4/21 is the day your employer (If you have one) celebrates random drug testing!

   That awesome moment when the teacher asks you a questio thinking you wasn't paying attention. Then you answer it right, it's like What now @#!*%

   I like long walks on hot coals and picnics in the ghetto because I'm a thrill seeker.

   Just like NOKIA, iphone 5 feutures are the same as previous versions.

   that show "Intervention" should just be called "Haters"

   You have a face that makes me want to learn karate.

   Me: Tell me about yourself. Her: Well, I love to laugh! Me: Wow, how unique! Next…

   "Hay there." - Sarah Jessica Parker probably