Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Question is: Am I responsible enough to be in charge of cooking oil after 5 beers. We shall see. If I catch the house on fire you'll all be the first to know, I'll update on the way out :D

   Cesar Millan's tactics work perfectly fine on teenagers just as much as they work on dogs.

   Just a reminder. If it sounds too good to be true... don't click on it. Your naïveté is posted all over our walls, and frankly, I'm embarrassed for you.

   After I won my divorce trial I FEDexd my ex-wife's attorney a consolation prize of a broom and a witches hat.

   If you're not the lead dog, the scenery never changes!

   I am the kind of guy who will call you on your landline and ask you if you are at home.

   Next time she wants to talk to me tell her I'm too busy & trying to get that damn knife out of my back

   sitting here at my command center wondering which country I will systematically destroy today... ~stroking my beard~

   Baseball is so boring now. Bring back the Steroids!!

   I swear... my remote just decides to take random vacations sometimes.

   I’m sorry I don’t meet your expectations but I think you should give me some credit for excelling at disappointing you.

   This bottle of Jack Daniels and I are gonna need a do not disturb sign and a safe word tonight.

   Don't get mad... get weed.

   Nothing shows more Christmas spirit then then Egypt, and Sudan they keep sending each other cars- that blow up! Merry Christmas You Filthy Animal!

   If there is a hell, I already know that I'm going there. So at this point of my life, it's really go big or go home.

   Have you ever walked into a room after a gay 0rgy? That's how your breath smells in the morning

   Just bought the new book set "Understanding Women" the simplified version. it's 14 volumes with over 876 pages per volume.

   Every since we got a Handicap permit, It's like everybody got one and I can't never find Handicap parking Now.

   Honey I shrunk the kids' college savings,,, and bet on a pure bred horse

   Never trust a guy who says trust me