Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   No my child, you may not have a cheese, peanut butter, fluff and cookie sandwich. Why? Because its just flat out disturbing that you thought those would make a great sandwich

   wonders if shaving one's head make one truly aerodynamic and thereby fuel efficient? And - can I claim that as a deduction on my taxes?

   I purposely mess up there, their, and they're just to piss people off.

   I spy on my girlfriend to make sure she doesn't cheat by cutting two eye-holes in a massive newspaper. I'm so behind the times.

   If love isn't a game, then why are there so many players ?

   Today I didn't know what to do- the devil on my shoulder pushed my angel off other shoulder but just a moment ago the angel came back with a baseball bat!

   Charlie Sheen is releasing his own cologne called Winning. I hear it smells like cocaine, rum, and hookers.

   imagine if you could understand Morse Code, a tap dancer would drive you crazy.

   4/20 is the day that some of you celebrate smokin dope. 4/21 is the day your employer (If you have one) celebrates random drug testing!

   That awesome moment when the teacher asks you a questio thinking you wasn't paying attention. Then you answer it right, it's like What now @#!*%

   It doesn't say it on my drivers license but I'm an organ donor.

   Combined "no problem" and "your welcome" to an upset customer ... its not good saying "your problem" at the end of a phone call .. whoops

   Grocery shopping right after a buffet dinner sucks!!

   Question is: Am I responsible enough to be in charge of cooking oil after 5 beers. We shall see. If I catch the house on fire you'll all be the first to know, I'll update on the way out :D

   Cesar Millan's tactics work perfectly fine on teenagers just as much as they work on dogs.

   Just a reminder. If it sounds too good to be true... don't click on it. Your naïveté is posted all over our walls, and frankly, I'm embarrassed for you.

   After I won my divorce trial I FEDexd my ex-wife's attorney a consolation prize of a broom and a witches hat.

   If you're not the lead dog, the scenery never changes!

   I am the kind of guy who will call you on your landline and ask you if you are at home.

   Next time she wants to talk to me tell her I'm too busy & trying to get that damn knife out of my back