Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Teens: being tired is one of your personality traits.

   OMG, I'm going to be so tired in the morning that I'm not going to be able to think...luckily I'll be at work.

   I won't rise to the occasion, but I'll slide over to it.

   Just bought an artificial Christmas tree and the clerk asks me, will you be putting this up yourself? NO YOU SICK BASTARD!! I'm putting it up in my living room!

   Feeling self conscious? Just watch me "walk" on stairs! My bad knees makes newborn giraffes look like ballerinas.

   experiment...try a no gossip rule...see how long it is before they run out of things to talk about...

   i dont think guys play hard to get, maybe you're just hard to want...

   I love it when people see me reach for something on the floor and keep missing it like a moron. I quickly tell them I'm working on my aerobics exercises....

   "Hope you're well" has the same amount of syllables as "rot in hell" and is a much more honest way to sign that email to your ex.

   Landon Donovan post match interview in 2010 is the finest example of what we can expect from team USA in the beautiful game.

   it is good to see soccer marches happening at that tattoo festival in Brazil

   If you walk a mile in my shoes you'll wind up at the bar.

   one of my aunts called me #oomf on facebook so naturally I blocked her

   Life is a vicious circle, I will trip you during a game of musical chairs. . .

   Sorry, but the lifestyle that you ordered is currently out of stock. Please select another...

   Mind if I ride in your midlife crisis?

   Relationship Status: After carefully weighing the options. Willing to give loneliness a try.

   I have a tattered suit that I bring to weddings so if I happen to be running late I can put it on and stumble in yelling, "BEAR! BEAR!"

   R kelly is doing a tour in Pakistan … I guess they’re going to finally have piss in the Middle East

   My personalities entertain me more than any group of friends could .