Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   If you walk a mile in my shoes you'll wind up at the bar.

   one of my aunts called me #oomf on facebook so naturally I blocked her

   Life is a vicious circle, I will trip you during a game of musical chairs. . .

   Sorry, but the lifestyle that you ordered is currently out of stock. Please select another...

   Mind if I ride in your midlife crisis?

   Relationship Status: After carefully weighing the options. Willing to give loneliness a try.

   I have a tattered suit that I bring to weddings so if I happen to be running late I can put it on and stumble in yelling, "BEAR! BEAR!"

   R kelly is doing a tour in Pakistan … I guess they’re going to finally have piss in the Middle East

   My personalities entertain me more than any group of friends could .

   Tonight's Jets/Bills football uniforms resemble my Starbucks cup.

   What is it that I want out of life? An apology would be a good start.

   I don't need a safe word, but you will.

   The New TV show the "HOSTAGE" should of been about how government hold its Citizens hostage....Oh wait a minute... isnt it?

   Don't keep asking me why I am silent. I'll talk to you when I have something to say. Okay?

   Doc: Do you sleep with your contacts? Me: Only the pretty ones.

   Chris Brown may have beat Rihanna but he has been arrested again for another beating outside a D.C. hotel and he's not even an elected official.

   Taking the road less traveled will get you murdered by hitchhikers. Lets be smart, people

   You don't know anybody till you live with them for a few weeks at least.

   following a car driving over a bridge with their left turn signal on. Where are they going to turn? Almost wish they would turn.

   Don't underestimate my ability to relate everything to food or sex.