Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I'm sorry... But I would kick that Waldo's ass in Hide and Go Seek!

   it me, or Monday comes around and your sleepy throughout most of the workday, but after what feels like 5-hours in rushhour traffic, you have enough energy for a Party with free drinks?

   no amount of cash is petty

   I see you drivin ’round town with a girl I love, and I’m like, it’s nice that she has alternative transportation.

   Hey you guys! Rock bottom has a buffet and an open bar!

   I think those who wear the sagging pants should start wearing skinny jeans. At least it would be entertaining watching them trying to walk.

   there are no winners the day following a draft beer, corned beef, and cabbage binge.

   I'm a people person. As long as the people are hot girls...

   I want to walk up to your dad, kick him square in the nuts and ask him WHY.

   Man does not live by words alone, despite the fact that sometimes he has to eat them.

   What happens if you put this side up face down while popping microwave popcorn?

   bail money, check, mankini, check, whipped cream, check, jelly wrestling for dummies guide book, check, stubbie holder, check, panadole, check......... Cairns here I come.

   it's impossible to fool-proof anything because fools are so ingenious.

   I've been embraced by reality... does anyone know how to make it let go?

   Half of being smart is knowing what you're dumb at.

   If I do enough different things in enough different ways, I may, eventually, do something right.

   NBA rookie of the year was video taped doing 120 mph. In his defense, he claimed that he was being chased by Maury Povich.

   Guys, I know when people die they say to move on. I don't want that. Bury me in a time capsule and dig me up every 10 years. NEVER FORGET!

   As a social experiment next semester, I'm going to walk up to strangers and follow them.

   Hacking and coughing with this cold. If I hack up a lung can it be sold on the black market?