Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I have spent almost half of my life trying to come up with new ways to get out of things and situations.

   I wish giants existed because watching them walk into telephone wires would be entertaining.

   when a woman gets what she wants, she no longer wants that...

   Well, it looks like that huge asteroid will miss earth. I hope its not too late to contribute to my 401k..

   And the Oscar goes to.....Manti TE'O

   Are you trying to seduce me? I can tell by the way you didn't vomit when I said hi.

   Oh $hit....... I think my imaginary girlfriend has been cheating on me with some dude from Notre Dame.

   I call my bong a sculpture when kids are around.

   Quick! When the hunky bartender gets the security guard and points at you; that means he's interested right? I think I’m going to drink for free the rest of the night...

   I clicked on one of those " You've been unfriended by 3 people" messages,,,,,,,,,,, Now it burns when I post..

   Oscar Pistorius is probably kicking himself in the @$$ right about now.

   so lazy today that I cant even finish a

   I'd have better people skills if I worked with better people

   I'm sorry... But I would kick that Waldo's ass in Hide and Go Seek!

   it me, or Monday comes around and your sleepy throughout most of the workday, but after what feels like 5-hours in rushhour traffic, you have enough energy for a Party with free drinks?

   no amount of cash is petty

   I see you drivin ’round town with a girl I love, and I’m like, it’s nice that she has alternative transportation.

   Hey you guys! Rock bottom has a buffet and an open bar!

   I think those who wear the sagging pants should start wearing skinny jeans. At least it would be entertaining watching them trying to walk.

   there are no winners the day following a draft beer, corned beef, and cabbage binge.