Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   THE POWER OF THE WINKY FACE: "Hey, Want some of my banana? :)" ... "Hey, Want some of my banana? ;)"

   just stepped in a huge pile of dog sh!t...smelled so bad, I just left my shoe in it and walked home in my sock

   I wasnt that drunk...... "Dude, you asked me to give you a ride home & the party was at your house"

   wants you to know that these are in fact Bugle Boy jeans he's wearing.

   ‎25yr old Wayne Rooney celebrates his £250,000 a week pay deal sippin pink champagne in a hot pool in Dubai. Over in Afghanistan a 24yr old soldier is sippin warm water for not much more than £250 a week,in a hostile country surrounded by people who w

   How come everyone post their problems when 2:00am comes, but nobody post how horny they are.

   Really not sure it Kinect for X-Box is the greatest idea for a society who already has a problem with laziness. If you want to use your entire body to play sports...then just play sports!

   "You can't see London. You can't see France, until we see your underpants." -TSA

   Please put this on your status if you know, or are related to someone killed on the Death Star. My wish for2010 is that people will understand that the Rebel Alliance is a band of terrorist scum. The Empire wants only to bring peace to the galaxybut these

   i'm not a back buner meal for no one,, i'm the main course or you don't eat...

   Be quite brain or I will stab you with a Q-tip

   The second coolest thing ab a car charger is you can use it to lift your phone up when it slides between the seat..

   Went to the store to buy groceries for my kids at the store today. Was shocked in the Ceral Isle. There were 40 different varities of Captain Crunch. Really? How many combos of sugar squares and sugar balls can there be?

   I'm sorry for doing a slow clap after you told me your boyfriend broke up with you

   For how long are we going to ignore the problem of overpopulation on this planet as access to resources and jobs becomes harder and harder by the day?

   Mayans=Early Mexicans. A culture who couldn't come up with a cuisine that went beyond using the same 7 ingredients, yet alone calculate the end of time.

   Well happy new year to you all mine friends wish you all the best for 2013..

   You shouldn't have to "arm" teachers in school... but reality is people are freaking crazy. the big "what if" is it would prevent a lot of casualties... It's better to have something, than nothing...

   I'm not worried about God judging me. He's too busy judging the rest of you b@stards.

   Never underestimate a Cat 1 Hurricane: I've never seen a situation involving one cat, water & a blow dryer end well..