Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   My wife says it's disgusting to piss in the bath, I suppose I should wait until she gets out.

   If infants can enjoy their infancy why can't adults enjoy adultery?

   Pockets are an awesome way to scratch your balls while in public!

   M̸o̸n̸d̸a̸y̸ T̸u̸e̸s̸d̸a̸y̸ W̸e̸d̸n̸e̸s̸d̸a̸y̸ T̸h̸u̸r̸s̸d̸a̸y̸ Friday Saturday Sunday

   √-1 2³ Σ ╥ ....and it was delicious.

   It takes 42 muscles for you to frown! But only four for me to extend my middle finger to you! Fck off!!!

   I'm just looken for a really good friend... (with a smoken-hot sister...)

   If I were rich I wouldn't be shaking this ketchup bottle so hard. :/

   Distance is the biggest co*kblocker of them all.

   S.I.N.G.L.E. = (S)tress (I)s (N)ow (G)one (L)ife's (E)asier

   one day I'll sit down with my grandchildren and dust off an old favorite movie I used to watch as a kid. as we watch" fast and furious" together, the kids laugh at those silly lookin cars.

   Ok, I get it. You want to talk to me! But that doesn't mean that you have to send me 4 texts 8 missed calls, a facebook chat, and a facebook message. I wil respond eventually to one simple text. Go buy some patience on E-bay.

   My, what a lovely shade of slut you're wearing today...

   Now I know why women get so pissed about the toliet seat being left up...MAN! That toliet water is cold!

   God's busy. Can I help you?

   That akward moment when you actually see a chiken crossing the road..

   what do ducks do when they fly upside down? They quack up!!

   good girls may go to heaven but bad girls take you there

   Monday morning is a slap in the face to wake us up from our weekend daydream.

   I love the instant bowel cleansing I receive after eating McDonald's food!