Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   √-1 2³ Σ ╥ ....and it was delicious.

   It takes 42 muscles for you to frown! But only four for me to extend my middle finger to you! Fck off!!!

   I'm just looken for a really good friend... (with a smoken-hot sister...)

   If I were rich I wouldn't be shaking this ketchup bottle so hard. :/

   Distance is the biggest co*kblocker of them all.

   S.I.N.G.L.E. = (S)tress (I)s (N)ow (G)one (L)ife's (E)asier

   one day I'll sit down with my grandchildren and dust off an old favorite movie I used to watch as a kid. as we watch" fast and furious" together, the kids laugh at those silly lookin cars.

   Ok, I get it. You want to talk to me! But that doesn't mean that you have to send me 4 texts 8 missed calls, a facebook chat, and a facebook message. I wil respond eventually to one simple text. Go buy some patience on E-bay.

   My, what a lovely shade of slut you're wearing today...

   Now I know why women get so pissed about the toliet seat being left up...MAN! That toliet water is cold!

   God's busy. Can I help you?

   That akward moment when you actually see a chiken crossing the road..

   what do ducks do when they fly upside down? They quack up!!

   good girls may go to heaven but bad girls take you there

   Monday morning is a slap in the face to wake us up from our weekend daydream.

   I love the instant bowel cleansing I receive after eating McDonald's food!

   I Remember one christmas when I woke up to see my mom helping santa with his zipper.. jolly old santa.

   Advertising has taught me that hair conditioner makes you move in slow motion.

   I feel like Eminem right now. Not because I'm rapping but because I have vomit on my sweater already...moms spaghetti

   I just want to play cards with a priest so I can say... Forgive me father for I have ginned