Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   HD porn, because I like to read the serial number on your breast implants.

   People who eat fries with a knife and a fork Do you put gloves on before sex too

   My neighbours sex sounded so good I made them a Sandwich..

   Have you ever wonder if Donald Trump parts his pubic hair the same way? You will now.

   Float like a butterfly, sting like a bee, bite like a mosquito, carry 100 times your body weight like an ant.

   I'm 0-11 on finding secret rooms behind bookcases.

   At work since 6am, awake since 7am.

   If you're dating someone, you really shouldn't give a sh*t what anyone who's not in your relationship thinks about it.

   You know someone's having a little too much fun at your party , when they mistake your dogs Kong for a buttplug .

   ♫ ♫ ♫ ♫ HE'S GOT BOBBY COSTAS EYES ♫ ♫ ♫ ♫ ♫ ♫

   And God promised men that good wives would be found in all corners of the world,,then He made the earth round and laughed and laughed

   My ass cheeks are so tight, when I fart only my dog can hear it.

   When people call me smart, I'm just thankful they're not around to see me turn the wrong burner on the stove every-single-time!!

   I am sorry for what I said when I was....... Drunk, naked and horny while laying on your front lawn.

   "If it wasn't for my faults, I haven't had wisdom today." But unfortunately you're still idiot.

   Apparently when someone posted on Facebook that they found God, asking for a picture is frowned upon!

   When you're compl-aining about busy strangers staring at their cellphones- instead of you-, I’ll call you an idle attention $eeker wh0rre chi-ld.

   When they captured el Chapo, I think they also got rid of El Niño, because it is frickin cold here

   There are never any fat weather girls on TV. I wish there were. I don't trust all these skinny bit@@es.

   ..... I used to laugh when somebody told me what the origin of the KKK was ..... until I actually looked it up. Turns out they were right .....