Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Photo bombing is all fun and games until terrorists start doing it.

   Bit*ches be digging up bones in someone elses yard. Dawgs be burying their bones in someone elses yard. It's an endless cycle.

   Roger Goodell said he didn’t see the video from the elevator, just the one of Ray Rice dragging his unconscious fiancée. Did he think she just knocked herself out???

   *Shows up late for first day of new job... *Blames it on rush hour...*Shows up late for second day of new job... *Blames it on Rush Hour 2

   You know the world is coming to an end when George Clooney gets married

   I recently decided to sell my vacuum cleaner, all it was doing was gathering dust.

   I'm just going to keep letting animals bite me until I get super powers.

   Million dollar idea: Duck Dynasty chia pets.

   Sometimes I laugh so hard, tears run down my leg.

   HD porn, because I like to read the serial number on your breast implants.

   People who eat fries with a knife and a fork Do you put gloves on before sex too

   My neighbours sex sounded so good I made them a Sandwich..

   Have you ever wonder if Donald Trump parts his pubic hair the same way? You will now.

   Float like a butterfly, sting like a bee, bite like a mosquito, carry 100 times your body weight like an ant.

   I'm 0-11 on finding secret rooms behind bookcases.

   At work since 6am, awake since 7am.

   If you're dating someone, you really shouldn't give a sh*t what anyone who's not in your relationship thinks about it.

   You know someone's having a little too much fun at your party , when they mistake your dogs Kong for a buttplug .

   ♫ ♫ ♫ ♫ HE'S GOT BOBBY COSTAS EYES ♫ ♫ ♫ ♫ ♫ ♫

   And God promised men that good wives would be found in all corners of the world,,then He made the earth round and laughed and laughed