Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   If you are a pharmacist and you never yell "Now take these suppositories and shove'em straight up your a s s!" Then we could never be friends

   Just saw my ex with her new man and had to smile because I KNOW there's not a place on her he can kiss that hasn't been coated by my man gravy. :)

   My better half wants me to go to the store and pick up some spices...I told her"Ain't nobody got no thyme for that"...

   Bud light? No thanks. I'd rather light bud.

   Today has been brought to you by the numbers 10. 11. 12

   Y2K EVERYONE! Y2K! Oh wait that was 12 years ago...

   I can't participate in tickle fights because I get inappropriate b0ners

   The hell with what song was number one when I was born, I wanna know what kinky $hit my parents were listening to when I was conceived.

   I'm the kind of person that laughs at my own status updates before I post them... because i'm just too damn funny!

   Can't get a job because I don't have experience. I can't get experience because I can't get a job.

   I asked my mom what she wants for Mothersday smh she never changes she said "for you to eat your vegetables"

   Women are like iPhones: You have to touch them all over before they respond. Men are like Blackberries: Rub one ball and everything moves

   I only take half a vitamin because I haven't decided if I wanna live forever.

   I need new Haters, the old ones are starting to like me.

   Hey Girl Scouts, let mom handle my cookie transaction. I don't have all day to watch you practice math..

   Honey, I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder...

   i wasn't that drunk ?!!! dude you threw a toothpick in the forest, and yelled "ur home "

   You're right Donald J. Trump, no one has ever asked why the Civil War happened, except for every seventh-grade teacher in America.

   In your faces, libtards! Mexico confirmed they are paying for the wall.

   Ben of Ben & Jerry’s has come out with an ice cream inspired by sleepy Joe.. A carton costs $3.99 but when you include inflation, it’s $900