Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   One day, as a little boy, I wrote to Santa Clause. "Please send me a little brother." Santa Clause wrote me back,,, "Ok, send me your mother."

   "I've seen fire & I've seen rain" -James Taylor & LITERALLY EVERY HUMAN

   I sometimes wonder.... Is the word tofu, short for " tried-to-fool ya?"

   gene pools are man made...nobody is worried about your threats. repent

   If you harvest ears of corn from a plant it's likely a corn plant, if you pick beans it's most likey from bean plant and if you harvest human organs it pretty much has to be from a human. There just isn't anywhere else to get them.

   I came, I saw, I got jiggy with it, I'm now discussing my options with a court appointed attorney.

   Can we get back on Trump.....who cares about Bill Cosby! oh wait Trumps eating jello

   There was a time when the word "Gay" meant happy and the rainbow was a meteorological phenomenom, now both represents boy who likes another boy.........smh

   There's nothing worse than being suck in traffic and having to take a dump

   My wife said to me "Look, I need to talk to you about your fixation with sh it". "Pull up a stool," I replied.

   Apple has a new device out for Chinese people. The 'iOpener'

   If you had to die, this would be the best way... Clint Eastwood shooting you while Morgan Freeman narrates it.

   Wishing my American friends a safe and happy Independence Day, and a gentle reminder that they were almost Canadians had Canada decided to raze their Whitehouse instead of turning back to Canada for beer. :)

   My mom found out that I was smoking weed and she told me to "pack my bags" LOL it's called a bowl mom and it's already packed

   If you are a pharmacist and you never yell "Now take these suppositories and shove'em straight up your a s s!" Then we could never be friends

   Just saw my ex with her new man and had to smile because I KNOW there's not a place on her he can kiss that hasn't been coated by my man gravy. :)

   My better half wants me to go to the store and pick up some spices...I told her"Ain't nobody got no thyme for that"...

   Bud light? No thanks. I'd rather light bud.

   Today has been brought to you by the numbers 10. 11. 12

   Y2K EVERYONE! Y2K! Oh wait that was 12 years ago...