Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I can't participate in tickle fights because I get inappropriate b0ners

   The hell with what song was number one when I was born, I wanna know what kinky $hit my parents were listening to when I was conceived.

   I'm the kind of person that laughs at my own status updates before I post them... because i'm just too damn funny!

   Can't get a job because I don't have experience. I can't get experience because I can't get a job.

   I asked my mom what she wants for Mothersday smh she never changes she said "for you to eat your vegetables"

   Women are like iPhones: You have to touch them all over before they respond. Men are like Blackberries: Rub one ball and everything moves

   I only take half a vitamin because I haven't decided if I wanna live forever.

   I need new Haters, the old ones are starting to like me.

   Hey Girl Scouts, let mom handle my cookie transaction. I don't have all day to watch you practice math..

   Honey, I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder...

   i wasn't that drunk ?!!! dude you threw a toothpick in the forest, and yelled "ur home "

   If the Seahawks win the SuperBowl XLIX It'll be amazing how the world will not give a fcuk.

   One day, as a little boy, I wrote to Santa Clause. "Please send me a little brother." Santa Clause wrote me back,,, "Ok, send me your mother."

   gene pools are man made...nobody is worried about your threats. repent

   If you harvest ears of corn from a plant it's likely a corn plant, if you pick beans it's most likey from bean plant and if you harvest human organs it pretty much has to be from a human. There just isn't anywhere else to get them.

   I came, I saw, I got jiggy with it, I'm now discussing my options with a court appointed attorney.

   Can we get back on Trump.....who cares about Bill Cosby! oh wait Trumps eating jello

   "I've seen fire & I've seen rain" -James Taylor & LITERALLY EVERY HUMAN

   I sometimes wonder.... Is the word tofu, short for " tried-to-fool ya?"

   There was a time when the word "Gay" meant happy and the rainbow was a meteorological phenomenom, now both represents boy who likes another boy.........smh