Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Apple has a new device out for Chinese people. The 'iOpener'

   If you had to die, this would be the best way... Clint Eastwood shooting you while Morgan Freeman narrates it.

   Wishing my American friends a safe and happy Independence Day, and a gentle reminder that they were almost Canadians had Canada decided to raze their Whitehouse instead of turning back to Canada for beer. :)

   My mom found out that I was smoking weed and she told me to "pack my bags" LOL it's called a bowl mom and it's already packed

   If you are a pharmacist and you never yell "Now take these suppositories and shove'em straight up your a s s!" Then we could never be friends

   Just saw my ex with her new man and had to smile because I KNOW there's not a place on her he can kiss that hasn't been coated by my man gravy. :)

   My better half wants me to go to the store and pick up some spices...I told her"Ain't nobody got no thyme for that"...

   Bud light? No thanks. I'd rather light bud.

   Today has been brought to you by the numbers 10. 11. 12

   Y2K EVERYONE! Y2K! Oh wait that was 12 years ago...

   I can't participate in tickle fights because I get inappropriate b0ners

   The hell with what song was number one when I was born, I wanna know what kinky $hit my parents were listening to when I was conceived.

   I'm the kind of person that laughs at my own status updates before I post them... because i'm just too damn funny!

   Can't get a job because I don't have experience. I can't get experience because I can't get a job.

   I asked my mom what she wants for Mothersday smh she never changes she said "for you to eat your vegetables"

   Women are like iPhones: You have to touch them all over before they respond. Men are like Blackberries: Rub one ball and everything moves

   I only take half a vitamin because I haven't decided if I wanna live forever.

   I need new Haters, the old ones are starting to like me.

   Hey Girl Scouts, let mom handle my cookie transaction. I don't have all day to watch you practice math..

   Honey, I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder...