Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   It's discouraging when you write out your life plans on a post-it and still have enough room to take a message.

   Whoever invent Hallway Swimming....go Twerk a HarlemShake sit down and Plank your Owls self somewhere! -

   Life is a terminal illness. Nobody gets out of here alive.

   Penguins probably never get invited to Pig Roasts or other cool parties because they're always dressed so formal.

   I had a Doc telll me I had a fatty liver. How rude! Now I always ask my Wife: "Honey, do these jeans make my liver look fat?"

   "I never say never." Liars...

   Tell your girlfriend she’s beautiful everyday or your kid will end up having the gardener’s nose.

   Currently arguing with my toddler over how to spell the letter “A” if you’re thinking about having kids

   As your sugar daddy I will provide you with a 40% discount on all your future insulin purchases

   I think Christmas is cats favorite holiday. A big tree to climb on complete with all kinds of things that you can whap onto the floor.

   America: love it or leave it. L left.

   Friendly Reminder: a woman that hits a man is not a woman, she's a grown up child.

   Mick Jagger a Father again? Really? Has he ever been a father before? I think s p e r m donor would be more appropriate

   Every Who down in Whoville liked Christmas a lot. But the Grinch who lived just North of Whoville did not!

   let the President Elect do his thing...The American people will rise up and tell him what they want!

   I don't really WANT to make bad choices; but I'm always late, and all the good choices are already taken.

   Her: Make your own snack. Me: It says: Not to operate heavy machinery while using this medication. Her: It's an oven not a forklift.

   I have as much interest in golf as I have in golf.

   if I die while I'm in an elevator I hope its while I'm going up not down

   Mexican hookers plan to drill glory holes in Trump's wall.