Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   What makes you think I put my pants on one leg at a time?

   Me take a bullet for you? I don't think so. What if you planned for someone to shoot you so I could jump in front of you, get shot and you would get rid of me?

   I'm not crazy. I'm just emotionally interesting.

   I get a call telling me that "my husband and I" won a 4 day, 3 night cruise to the Bahamas. When did I get married tho?

   It's discouraging when you write out your life plans on a post-it and still have enough room to take a message.

   Whoever invent Hallway Swimming....go Twerk a HarlemShake sit down and Plank your Owls self somewhere! -

   Life is a terminal illness. Nobody gets out of here alive.

   Penguins probably never get invited to Pig Roasts or other cool parties because they're always dressed so formal.

   I had a Doc telll me I had a fatty liver. How rude! Now I always ask my Wife: "Honey, do these jeans make my liver look fat?"

   "I never say never." Liars...

   Tell your girlfriend she’s beautiful everyday or your kid will end up having the gardener’s nose.

   Currently arguing with my toddler over how to spell the letter “A” if you’re thinking about having kids

   As your sugar daddy I will provide you with a 40% discount on all your future insulin purchases

   I think Christmas is cats favorite holiday. A big tree to climb on complete with all kinds of things that you can whap onto the floor.

   Well the pandemic unemployment is coming to an end here shortly so guess it’s time to get back to work, all these companies are all after me so shouldn’t be hard - electric company, fuel company, telephone company

   I don't really care which baseball teams stand for the National Anthem inasmuch as I wish they'd make the game a little less boring. The national pastime is past its time.

   People always write "Congrats" in their FB posts because most don't know how to spell "Kongrajulashins".

   Unemployment Offices just emailed me to be a truck driver. I can’t drive a vehicle let alone a transformer

   Apparently my wife was just tying her shoe, and didn't want to play leapfrog

   Betting on the Kentucky Derby is like paying for a hooker. You drop a load of cash on two minutes of excitement.