Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I taught her how to love, she taught me how to hate.

   Ok... I've just discovered the worst part about being single... I can never find a damned thing!!

   Great teamwork in a relationship is when a woman brings more than her looks to the table and a man brings more than a stiff d*ck.

   "Bloody Mary, Bloody Mary, Bloody Mary!" - Sunday Brunch was delicious.

   waiting for the spider to realize that the magazine she balled up isn't for reading. Oh wait, it just did..

   I don't want a broken heart because I'll lose the pieces.

   'Nuff bull: Guys who know every piece of sports trivia and guys who know every piece of Star Wars trivia are the same guy

   Oh good, now we can SEE the years haven't been good to that person we haven't talked to since high school...thanks Mark!

   I find it ironic that the Chase Freedom commercial features a guy who keeps getting caught in a metal detector

   Oh life I love you, specially your things I mean living things, some of them are severely cool

   there is always that one pair of socks you can never get off, by just using your big toe!

   4 words to ruin any meal: Fred and Ethel porn

   According to my Bikini Bottom translator, the word "Barnacle" means "FU#K" in the United States

   I couldn't stand to see you hurt. I would have to sit down, then I could really enjoy the show.

   The world is gonna throw us a million reasons why this won't work out between us, but I'm armed with the one reason why it will.

   n't cranky, I just have a violent reaction to stupid people.

   If you don't like me, leave a message. If I don't get back to you, don't worry.. its probably because i'm too busy giving a damn.

   My wakeup song this morning was Strokin IT by Clarence Carter!!!! Must have been all that wishful dreaming last night!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

   watching Lifetime with my wife so that later she won't be watching the game with me.

   Wolfgang Dabisch invented Tippex - correct me if I'm wrong