Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I couldn't stand to see you hurt. I would have to sit down, then I could really enjoy the show.

   The world is gonna throw us a million reasons why this won't work out between us, but I'm armed with the one reason why it will.

   n't cranky, I just have a violent reaction to stupid people.

   If you don't like me, leave a message. If I don't get back to you, don't worry.. its probably because i'm too busy giving a damn.

   My wakeup song this morning was Strokin IT by Clarence Carter!!!! Must have been all that wishful dreaming last night!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

   watching Lifetime with my wife so that later she won't be watching the game with me.

   Wolfgang Dabisch invented Tippex - correct me if I'm wrong

   May I suggest johnny walker. At least you go down in style !

   There is nothing worse than being stuck in a car with cold feet and having dog sh*t on your shoes :/

   Winning is addicted to me...

   i hate when I delete and add someones phone number so many times that I memorize it

   People come into your life for a reason, a season, or a lifetime.

   watching relationships fall apart on fb is one of my favorite hobbies

   Women: I can't live with them and I can't be straight without them..

   If Adele's doctor didn't say "the baby looks healthy rolling in the deep" at least once, she needs to find another doctor.

   In Dumb People News: 3 Dudes tried to rob a Redbox last night for the Money inside of it..

   G0D has granted me the Midas Touch. So far today, everything I've touched has turned to gold. Wha? Oh. Heh heh. No more Cheetos for breakfast.

   when I make love, I like to do so to the sounds of the Star Trek theme, so that way the girl feels she's going to a place where no other girl has gone before

   it looks like all the insurance companies are trying to see who can have the worst commercials...

   People ask why I get hot women. I do not have a large pen!$...it's small, but it can talk and is very complimentary.