Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I couldn't stand to see you hurt. I would have to sit down, then I could really enjoy the show.

   The world is gonna throw us a million reasons why this won't work out between us, but I'm armed with the one reason why it will.

   n't cranky, I just have a violent reaction to stupid people.

   If you don't like me, leave a message. If I don't get back to you, don't worry.. its probably because i'm too busy giving a damn.

   My wakeup song this morning was Strokin IT by Clarence Carter!!!! Must have been all that wishful dreaming last night!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

   watching Lifetime with my wife so that later she won't be watching the game with me.

   Wolfgang Dabisch invented Tippex - correct me if I'm wrong

   May I suggest johnny walker. At least you go down in style !

   There is nothing worse than being stuck in a car with cold feet and having dog sh*t on your shoes :/

   Winning is addicted to me...

   If I stalked you any harder you'd be a missing person by now.

   [breaks apart couple holding hands] You're free now

   "Ugh.... life is rough" ... I type on my $600 phone that was made by an 8 year old in a sweat shop.

   Me crazy? If it wasn't so hard to get back up on this unicorn, I'd so b*tch-slap you

   If you hold your ear up to a Reebok Crossfit you can hear the sound of a 26.2 sticker being peeled off and put on a minivan.

   I've been married for "the only way to get my wife to scream in bed is to fart in my sleep" years.

   If it wasn't for my excitement to hate someone new I wouldn't leave my bed in the morning.

   According to Monster.com there is a ton of openings in the Baltimore department tourism.

   It's gonna ba Manny Vs Money tonight....

   *Playing Go-Fish" with a Vegan* ME: Do you have any Sixes? V: I'm a Vegan.