Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Alarm system? Yeah right. I'll defend my home the way my ancestors would have. A series of large painted portraits with peepholes for eyes.

   Here's how unreal Prince was: he made Minnesota cool

   I'm going to the Aquarium, do some fishing. . .

   I would just like to take a minute to give a big shout-out to the inventor of croutons. Who knew you could take stale bread and makes so many different flavors. Props to you. :p Recycling before recycling was cool!

   Shut up and send her the heart eyes emoji like a God damn man.

   They give you a poker chip when you reach 6 months clean in Gambler's Anonymous.

   "How much for the super-cool fanny pack?" "Ma'am, that's a colostomy bag."

   "Everything you do bothers me." A love story.

   I just got stuck in my office chair, and now I'm breathing into a paper bag..

   playing my favorite game today, Gun Shots or Fireworks?

   There may be a bunch of Princesses that follow me... But only one I'd fight dragons for.

   I won't be impressed with technology until I can download beer.

   I don't want to brag but I was the best Nintendo game blower in history.

   If horror movies have taught us anything its that white folks like to check out strange noises first at all times before assuming its means them harm. So Oscar's story does not add up at all.

   Upside to working out: Women actually acknowledge my existence. Downside: I have to learn how to react to women acknowledging my existence.

   I am always either sleep deprived, sex deprived, food deprived or all of the above

   Body language can be so subtle that only an intuitive person can read your mood. Body slams, I have found, are far more direct.

   I'm not ignoring you any more or less than you're ignoring me. . .

   Jesus needs your money, but send it to me. ~ False Prophets.

   I'm giving up sex with my husband for lent.