Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Chicken is better than that girl who said she will die for you. Chicken actually died for you. Chicken is true love.

   Fuller House is a wonderful show, let's hope Netflix comes out with another one called Married With Grandchildren.

   I think I got a textually transmitted disease from unprotected Facebook poking!

   Kanye West: My genitals smell like fire and I cannot find my pants.

   Doctors: "1 out of 3 smokers will eventually die from smoking," so apparently, the other two become immortal.

   According to my husband, it's not a tickle fight until half my ribs are broken and I've sharted myself.

   Dear auto correct, I really want to know what a "duck this shut" looks like.

   In honor of National Siblings Day, go kick your siblings in the genitals. You too can be the $10,000 winner on America's Funniest Home Videos.

   A Perfect Question To Ask At Any Job Interview: Do you monitor email and internet usage as I love to look at hardcore porn sites during office hours?

   Alarm system? Yeah right. I'll defend my home the way my ancestors would have. A series of large painted portraits with peepholes for eyes.

   Here's how unreal Prince was: he made Minnesota cool

   I'm going to the Aquarium, do some fishing. . .

   I would just like to take a minute to give a big shout-out to the inventor of croutons. Who knew you could take stale bread and makes so many different flavors. Props to you. :p Recycling before recycling was cool!

   Shut up and send her the heart eyes emoji like a God damn man.

   They give you a poker chip when you reach 6 months clean in Gambler's Anonymous.

   "How much for the super-cool fanny pack?" "Ma'am, that's a colostomy bag."

   "Everything you do bothers me." A love story.

   I just got stuck in my office chair, and now I'm breathing into a paper bag..

   playing my favorite game today, Gun Shots or Fireworks?

   There may be a bunch of Princesses that follow me... But only one I'd fight dragons for.