Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Man walks into his therapist office wearing nothing but plastic wrap. Therapist say " I can clearly see your nuts"

   No matter how tough, hardcore, or badass you think you are, if a toddler hands you their ringing toy phone, you WILL answer it.

   your perfect drug

   You can say lots of bad things about pedophiles but at least they drive slowly past schools

   I put my phone on airplane mode then threw it accross the room..Worst transformer ever!

   I saved a girl from being attacked last night. I controlled myself.

   I am a US Veteran. I didn't do it for the thank you's or the free stuff. I did it because I wasn't college material.

   Why is it that every time I see a Ford, it's lifted? Well the answer is simple. When a man gets out of his Ford, he doesn't want to get his dress dirty...

   People are dying with Covid not from Covid. Two different things...

   Why do mexicans have small stearing wheels?so they can drive with handcuffs on

   For Sale: 1 Heart. Horrible condition. I don't care what you do with it, just rip it out of my chest and take away this pain.

   My brother was born with Down's Syndrome. His teachers said he'd never amount to anything. Today he is an NFL referee.

   BBC: North Korea's Kim Jong-un threatening nuclear attack against US. CNN: North Korea may be a nuclear threat. Fox News: I like turtles.

   naked and playing twister with the cat .

   "an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, nestled in a sesame seed bun of mystery."

   Allergy alert: This status may contain peanuts.

   If work was so good, the rich would have kept more of it for themselves.

   ..is working on her bad intentions since the road to Hell is paved with good ones.

   now in subsmission to the power of great stupidity

   Life is like a box of chocolates... you never know when you'll find a nut.