Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   naked and playing twister with the cat .

   "an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, nestled in a sesame seed bun of mystery."

   Allergy alert: This status may contain peanuts.

   If work was so good, the rich would have kept more of it for themselves.

   He always has the same expression on his face; “only a mother could love.”

   so you press the button to hail the elevator, when it doesn't come we press the button again. does a second press hail the elevator faster, if not, why do we do it

   not easily offended and easily offends. Life is so unfair...

   When is that 1/2 man on '2 and and 1/2 Men' going to officially become a man?

   Solemnly Swears That He/She Is Up To No Good

   I'm a middle-of-the-road kind of guy. Maybe that's why I get honked at all the time.

   Life is like a box of chocolates... you never know when you'll find a nut.

   Give a person an inch, they take a round trip flight across the country AND bill you for it.

   wondering why the yellow brick road never ended?

   never questions authority, he annoys authority. More effect, less effort.

   ..is working on her bad intentions since the road to Hell is paved with good ones.

   now in subsmission to the power of great stupidity

   the man from nantucket.

   When I'm texting with a girl I like and inviting her to join in my plans, I like to end the message with, "Want to come?" There's nothing like the inducement to get her to say yes.

   Creepy drunken compliments are sometimes the price we pay for freedom!

   can someone give me directions to the humor section please?