Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   For Sale: 1 Heart. Horrible condition. I don't care what you do with it, just rip it out of my chest and take away this pain.

   My brother was born with Down's Syndrome. His teachers said he'd never amount to anything. Today he is an NFL referee.

   BBC: North Korea's Kim Jong-un threatening nuclear attack against US. CNN: North Korea may be a nuclear threat. Fox News: I like turtles.

   naked and playing twister with the cat .

   "an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, nestled in a sesame seed bun of mystery."

   Allergy alert: This status may contain peanuts.

   If work was so good, the rich would have kept more of it for themselves.

   ..is working on her bad intentions since the road to Hell is paved with good ones.

   now in subsmission to the power of great stupidity

   Life is like a box of chocolates... you never know when you'll find a nut.

   Give a person an inch, they take a round trip flight across the country AND bill you for it.

   wondering why the yellow brick road never ended?

   never questions authority, he annoys authority. More effect, less effort.

   He always has the same expression on his face; “only a mother could love.”

   Fast food drive thru 5 me 0, can you get my order right please!

   so you press the button to hail the elevator, when it doesn't come we press the button again. does a second press hail the elevator faster, if not, why do we do it

   not easily offended and easily offends. Life is so unfair...

   When is that 1/2 man on '2 and and 1/2 Men' going to officially become a man?

   Solemnly Swears That He/She Is Up To No Good

   I'm a middle-of-the-road kind of guy. Maybe that's why I get honked at all the time.