Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Yahoo: More Americans convinced of climate change after extreme weather.... Ugh no maybe just your liberal writer thinks that. It's called summer, in 6 months the same person will write global warming again because its fcking cold out.

   Lady Gaga preaching abstinence is like Lindsay Lohan preaching sobriety or Kermit the Frog preaching about your finger not smelling like pork.

   I just learned of a new Bullsh!t double standard today For cops.. It is illegal as he!! for civilians to drive n talk on a cellphone without a hands free device, (which is a good Law).. But appearently cops are exempt from this law. How is that right?

   has a dog with no legs named Cigarette. Everyday I put on his leash and take him out for a drag.

   its the weekend so live it up, charge it down, puff it off, smash a line, blow out blind and destroy your mind!!

   If I look like I'm being bashful chances are I'm just trying to cover my nose, because when you talk I can smell your teeth dying.

   printing off a fresh new batch of twenty dollar bills

   Cruises: Floating Golden Corrals with drunk people.

   Listening to Obama is like experiencing Deja Moo. You feel as if you've heard this bull before.

   ESPN has announced that they are launching a 3D sports network. Industry analysts say this will absolutely revolutionize the way Americans don't watch soccer.

   how do you know you are at a gay picnic? The hotdogs taste like $h!t

   Child protective services? Who's protecting the parents Huh? WHO'S PROTECTING THE PARENTS?

   ♪ ♫ ♬ Oh Christmas tree oh Christmas tree, you have more balls than me-ee. ♪ ♫ ♬

   joke of the day: So this doctor goes into work one day and asks his assistant if it was wrong to have sex with his patients. Horrified, she runs from the office and screams "OF COURSE IT IS! YOU'RE A VET!!!"

   apologizes for sounding insensitive, but that "Christmas Shoes" song just plain sucks.

   BREAKING NEWS: no paper towels were thrown by a president in a disaster area today.

   I was at the vet with my sick dog, the vet said have you thought about youthanasia? What does Chinese kids have to do with my dog?

   I wonder if Sarah Palin could see Russia from on top of Glen Rice.

   Did you ever pee in the toilet as a kid and try to make the top of the water completely full of bubbles? I just filled the whole waterline with bubbles.....don't be hatin!

   Knock knock! Who's there? Daisy! Daisy, who? Daisy me rollin, they hatin.