Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   ♪ ♫ ♬ Oh Christmas tree oh Christmas tree, you have more balls than me-ee. ♪ ♫ ♬

   joke of the day: So this doctor goes into work one day and asks his assistant if it was wrong to have sex with his patients. Horrified, she runs from the office and screams "OF COURSE IT IS! YOU'RE A VET!!!"

   apologizes for sounding insensitive, but that "Christmas Shoes" song just plain sucks.

   BREAKING NEWS: no paper towels were thrown by a president in a disaster area today.

   I was at the vet with my sick dog, the vet said have you thought about youthanasia? What does Chinese kids have to do with my dog?

   I wonder if Sarah Palin could see Russia from on top of Glen Rice.

   Did you ever pee in the toilet as a kid and try to make the top of the water completely full of bubbles? I just filled the whole waterline with bubbles.....don't be hatin!

   Knock knock! Who's there? Daisy! Daisy, who? Daisy me rollin, they hatin.

   Man walks into his therapist office wearing nothing but plastic wrap. Therapist say " I can clearly see your nuts"

   No matter how tough, hardcore, or badass you think you are, if a toddler hands you their ringing toy phone, you WILL answer it.

   your perfect drug

   You can say lots of bad things about pedophiles but at least they drive slowly past schools

   I put my phone on airplane mode then threw it accross the room..Worst transformer ever!

   I am a US Veteran. I didn't do it for the thank you's or the free stuff. I did it because I wasn't college material.

   Why is it that every time I see a Ford, it's lifted? Well the answer is simple. When a man gets out of his Ford, he doesn't want to get his dress dirty...

   People are dying with Covid not from Covid. Two different things...

   Why do mexicans have small stearing wheels?so they can drive with handcuffs on

   For Sale: 1 Heart. Horrible condition. I don't care what you do with it, just rip it out of my chest and take away this pain.

   My brother was born with Down's Syndrome. His teachers said he'd never amount to anything. Today he is an NFL referee.

   BBC: North Korea's Kim Jong-un threatening nuclear attack against US. CNN: North Korea may be a nuclear threat. Fox News: I like turtles.