Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Not having tattoos is suddenly a great way to express your individuality.

   You are 15 years old you should feel butterflies in your stomach not a baby kicking

   If a cop pulls you over for talking on your phone, just tell him you were reporting a drunk driver.

   I'd love to get a hold of Mitt Romney and ask him who does his taxes…

   Next time someone presses the elevator button you've already pressed,,, act totally impressed & tell them they did it waaaay better than you.

   What's long and hard, but can't get up? A North Korean rocket.

   If you love someone, let them know often. Because you might not be able to say it again. Also, same thing works for people you f*cking hate.

   I'm at the doctor's office & they don't know why I have this rash on my balls. Guess I'll wait for the Doctor, these other patients are clueless.

   If I was single, I would have a stick figure of myself on the back of my car next to a bag of cash.

   Whenever one office door closes, 50 browser windows open.

   I don't understand banks. Why do they attach chains to their pens? If I am trusting you with my money, you should trust me with your pens.

   If the caller I.D. reads "unavailable" then so am I.

   "A day without a nap is like a cupcake without frosting." -Terri Guillemets

   I just saved a bunch of money on my child support by switching to condoms

   I don't like people who can't make fun of themselves. It just makes more work for me.

   Was just thinking .... What would the world be like if McDonalds delivered?

   Things you can say when you have nothing to say: 1. It is what it is 2. It's just not meant to be 3. Everything happens for a reason 4. Word

   Have you ever noticed that Velma(from Scooby-Doo) only says who the bad guy is after she pulls off their mask. And then conveniently knew it was him or her all along.

   Why do you press harder on a remote-control when you know the battery's dead?

   Today at school, they told me to write down what I wanted to be when I grew up. I wrote down happy. They told me I didn't understand the assignment. I told them they didn't understand life.