Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   My New Years resolution is to be more assertive if that's okay with you guys?

   Who cares about Elmer Fudd's rifle. I'm way more concerned about them taking Marvin the Martian's Illudium Q-36 Explosive Space Modulator.🗼

   Carrie Fisher said Trump would never be her president and damned if she wasn't right!

   Breaking news: Justify declines invitation to the White House.

   At least good old Bill didn't have to pay for blowjobs and sex.

   I always carry a bottle of acid in my pocket so if anyone tries to.attack me I can throw it in their face. Then all I need to do is outrun them for an hour until they start tripping.

   just saw the headline "Garfield cartoonist apologizes" and my first thought was "About time. That comic strip has been lame for decades"

   An apple a day keeps the doctor away, but if doctor is cute, forget the fruit ;o)

   I always thought differently than the other kids in school. Teacher asked us if we could be any animal we wanted what would we be. I said, "A Bird". Teacher said, "So you can fly"? I said, "No, so my sh*t can be white".

   They should make Vodka ChapStick

   And if Hillary wins the election it won't be the first time in history that a criminal moves into public housing vacated by a black family.

   Scientists have discovered some intelligent dna in women, unfortunately 95% of them spit it out!

   I'm about to yell inside an envelope!....voice mail..b*tch

   now that the NBA is back in action, it gives black guys a chance to dribble on something other than Lisa Lampanelli

   Facebook should have a limit on how many times you change ure relationship status, after 3 in a year it should auto-default to "unstable"

   Relationships are like fat people. Most of them don’t work out.

   And just like that, people on Facebook went from being politicians to being epidemiologists.

   I had two naps today but every time I wake up I'm still at work.

   From now on I'm boycotting Shampoo....I demand REALPoo!!!!

   (With French accent) Your mother was a hamster and your father smelt of elderberries!