Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   To find your cool robot name, take the first 16 digits of your credit card and combine it with the expiration date and security code. What's yours?

   A handsome firefighter just friended me on Facebook. I wish I was gay :(

   Who makes the sandwiches in a lesbian relationship?

   I think Trump is actually turned himself into the Human form or "clickbait"

   I heard Colin kaepernick had a choice between cotton and polyester jerseys and wouldn't you know it 'he picked cotton'

   My wife has basically two problems: Nothing to wear and not enough closet space.

   Pence should consider himself lucky....worse has happened with presidents at theaters

   Trump has been in power for over 2 weeks. Why am I not rolling in the dough?????

   The only thing that could make Trump's approval rating worse would be if he joined Tinder.

   NBC should get Hillary Clinton to replace Arnold Schwarzenegger as the host of "Celebrity Apprentice" just to mess with Trump.

   Carrie Fisher said Trump would never be her president and damned if she wasn't right!

   Who cares about Elmer Fudd's rifle. I'm way more concerned about them taking Marvin the Martian's Illudium Q-36 Explosive Space Modulator.🗼

   My New Years resolution is to be more assertive if that's okay with you guys?

   Breaking news: Justify declines invitation to the White House.

   At least good old Bill didn't have to pay for blowjobs and sex.

   I always carry a bottle of acid in my pocket so if anyone tries to.attack me I can throw it in their face. Then all I need to do is outrun them for an hour until they start tripping.

   just saw the headline "Garfield cartoonist apologizes" and my first thought was "About time. That comic strip has been lame for decades"

   An apple a day keeps the doctor away, but if doctor is cute, forget the fruit ;o)

   I always thought differently than the other kids in school. Teacher asked us if we could be any animal we wanted what would we be. I said, "A Bird". Teacher said, "So you can fly"? I said, "No, so my sh*t can be white".

   They should make Vodka ChapStick