Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   You should be ashamed if the only book you opened all summer was facebook

   Been in the back yard trip'in on shrooms... Stepped on those slippery little b@stards and busted my ass.

   In hard times like this, we need to call upon "Duck Dodgers in the 24th and a half century!"

   If they give you a bib when eating lobster, they should definitely give you a diaper for Indian food

   If you hear your past calling, change your phone number...;-):-P

   going to help support the Greek Debt Crisis by eating more Greek Dressing . . . .and Bakliva

   My Bathroom scale just did 0 to 235 in 3 seconds, who needs a sports car? Wow thats fast........

   Don't reach for the stars. You'll just look like a idiot stretching for no reason.

   Some people are like Slinkies … not really good for anything, but you can't help smiling when you see one tumble down the stairs.

   - The biggest Lie Ever: "I have read the Terms and Conditions".

   bringing sexy back. after a long court battle I got full custody

   Nowadays 80% of women are against marriage as they have wizened to the fact that for 200 grams of sausage, it's not worth buying the entire pig!

   told my son today, "I believe every single word you say. It's when you put them together to form a sentence that I have an issue!"

   My girlfriend got f**ked by a clown before we dated. So I have some pretty big shoes to fill.

   wonders...if a cow gets struck by lightning, is that fast food?

   After countless days of research I have solved the mystery.....When Santa says HO! HO! HO!...He is thinking of last name of his 3 favorite naughty sisters...Ima, Ivana, and Anita...

   I think it's wrong that only one company makes the game Monopoly.

   has hired a secretary for complaints. If you have a complaint go to Helen Wait.

   im not conceited,im just simply aware if how sexy I am!!

   If they can send one man to the moon why can't they send them all?