Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   - The biggest Lie Ever: "I have read the Terms and Conditions".

   bringing sexy back. after a long court battle I got full custody

   Nowadays 80% of women are against marriage as they have wizened to the fact that for 200 grams of sausage, it's not worth buying the entire pig!

   told my son today, "I believe every single word you say. It's when you put them together to form a sentence that I have an issue!"

   My girlfriend got f**ked by a clown before we dated. So I have some pretty big shoes to fill.

   wonders...if a cow gets struck by lightning, is that fast food?

   After countless days of research I have solved the mystery.....When Santa says HO! HO! HO!...He is thinking of last name of his 3 favorite naughty sisters...Ima, Ivana, and Anita...

   I think it's wrong that only one company makes the game Monopoly.

   has hired a secretary for complaints. If you have a complaint go to Helen Wait.

   If they can send one man to the moon why can't they send them all?

   ❒ Single. ❒ Taken. ✔ Helping Mario get his biatch Peach back!

   I ain't sayin she's a gold digger, but she ain't messing with no broke white guy who's afraid to finish the rest of this lyric.

   Sometimes I think the human race would benefit greatly from natural selection (survival of the fittest).

   Why does Rick Ross rap about cars he can't fit into

   You call it "stalking"... I call it "giving you the attention you deserve"...

   My wife got a "mood ring" that turns green when she's happy,, and leaves a big red mark on my forehead when she's mad.

   either I'm not feeling to well or I just sat on a whoopie cushion full of beef gravy!

   people who criticize today's song lyrics never listened to Blinded by the Light...

   Every time I go grocery shopping, I ask myself what would Jesus buy. This explains my cart full of wine bottles.

   Hot chocolate is just normal chocolate that has a modeling career.