Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   What if I told you I could make you talk like an Irish Sailor? Repeat after me: WHALE OIL BEEF HOOKED

   Guess Harrison Ford didn't like my hide snakes on plane prank.....

   PRO TIP: If you see a distressed woman scraming about her lost baby, don't offer to help her make a new one.

   I'm not saying I believe in the zombie apocalypse. I'm just saying Walmart.

   Only thing that's truly secular in the world is stupidity. It's found across all religion without fail.

   Since Kanye couln't get Kim a start on Hollywood he put on her hand. Must be nice to be RICH you arragant crap rapper!!

   I suck at sleep.

   it gets worse, 19 consecutive posts. You should be a comedian

   A friend is like a good bra: hard to find, comfortable, supportive, always lifts you up, makes you look better, never lets you down or leaves you hanging, and always close to your heart.

   I'm praying Weiner gets his blood flowing and comes back bigger and harder than ever after all this.......

   I'm getting my days events mixed up - Good Friday, Earth Day, Birthdays...I just sent someone a "Good Happy Irthday" message :S

   Lindsay Lohan has been released, so hide your jewelry....

   does anyone know where I am right now? Seriously...bring asprin if you do...

   texting people and asking for their phone number.

   Everything happens for a reason, and that reason is that life is totally random.

   the difference between try and triumpth is just a little bit of umpth!

   noticed it's very difficult these days to find something on television that doesn't have to do with cake! :/

   my dogs weird. I flip him off and he just wags his tail

   Irene is on her way and she looks mean, wet and wild. So make sure you prepare yourself for the beat down..

   It's so hot out... the best parking place is determined by shade instead of distance.