Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Sometimes you got to talk to someone only once to realize why everyone else avoids them like a plague.

   Keep your friends close but your cupcakes closer.

   Happy Canada D'eh! Now let's get drunk!

   Oh well, this time isn't going to procrastinate itself.

   Why are rubber duckies yellow when most real ducks are not?

   Some people's desperation is so hard to watch, I'm forced to wear sunglasses while I laugh....

   I think the #1 phrase that is guaranteed to make people argue is "what do you want to eat?"

   I hate crickets in my house.....except for the one I just killed. He seems ok.

   the new prince should be be called....`s greatest hits!!!

   Just fetched the first watermelon of the year from my garden, so I get it royal baby fans. I totally get that sh*t.

   Better to have loved and lust, than to never have lusted at all.

   Whenever I see a beautiful woman with a fat ugly guy I think: ''maybe he owns a panda.''

   You can't be wise and in love at the same time.

   What do we want? INDIFFERENCE! When do we want it? WHENEVER!

   Had some dear friends come to me questioning my morels... I'll come clean... I really don't know what kind of mushrooms these are...

   It's ironic.... but wouldn't you love to be......."Booby Trapped"

   Granddad sure does love his baths - He's been in there for three days now.

   Yes,, Grandchildren ARE our future,,, But they're ALSO the reason why there's a smooshed sandwich in my Pricey Blu-Ray player,,,,, Hmm, our future

   Won a gold medal in the brolympics tonight for hooking up with the fat friend.

   Your electric bill is not an acceptable topic of conversation.