Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Cleveland Cavaliers owner Dan Gilbert has been spotted driving to Miami wearing a so-called "astronaut diaper," eyewitnesses reported today

   voices inside of his head, but they're speaking in spanish and he can't understand them

   Ladies, just a reminder...the same rule applies to spray tans as is does to Make up...less is more!

   wants the Micro Machines Man to do my eulogy.

   my company is upgrading from Outlook 2003 to Outlook 2007, in 2010, which I fear will rip a hole in the space-time continuum.

   There's a little Truth behind every JK, a little Curiosity behind every JW, a little Knowledge behind every IDK, and a little Emotion behind every IDC

   needs to figure out how to get the benefits of a sugar daddy without the 'daddy.'

   Girls don't shop because they need something, they shop for shopping's sake;)

   if you're happy and you know it drop your pants!!

   packing his bags...going on a guilt trip!

   I quit wishing after I fell down the well.

   Refuses to comment on the grounds that it might incriminate me.

   If Abe Vigoda adopted Dakota Fanning, the resulting name would be funny.

   ■I've got a full 6 pack, but it lacks the plastic thingy to holds it all together.

   Accidentally grabbed my hair gel instead of my body wash when I went to the shower,,,,, should see my fluff, looks like a 70's porn star fluff!

   building a time machine so I can attend the time travelers convention held last Tuesday.

   I will defend, to your death, my right to my opinion.

   Screw your Four Loko... I've got a Dayquil with a 5hour energy and Grande Latte chaser with my name on it!... If you dont believe me, just ask my pet Unicorn

   Use "can of whup-ass" only, as whup-ass is not sold in jars, squeeze tubes or resealable bags.

   Some people stick their foots in their mouth every once in a while. Every once in a while I pull mine out.