Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   "It's not you, it's me" - me, explaining "awesome"

   My buddy just told me that I jump every time my girlfriend says jump. That's just stupid, I'm white and everyone knows white men can't jump.

   Hey people in cavilers, you have a 4 cylinder! I have an 8, stop trying to race me.....

   Ladies: Don't ever cry when it's over, be grateful that you dodged that bullet and laugh at what the next b!tch has to put up with.

   farting in a plastic bag and selling it to kids

   I think my iPhone is broken. I pressed the home button and I'm still at work.

   What does a burnt pizza, frozen beer, and pregnant girl have in common? In each situation there was an idiot who didn't take it out in time.

   Having a good vowel movement keeps me from being consonantpated

   The only "B" word you should call a girl is beautiful. B!tches love being called beautiful.

   Somebody should tell fat girls that multiple ear piercings won't make them look skinny.

   George Zimmerman needs to meet Dexter

   So cold I accidently keyed my car with my nipples.

   For my sister’s 40th birthday, I sent her a singing mammogram.

   Life Observation: No matter where I live, my neighborhood has NEVER been even remotely the first stop on the mailman's post route.

   Sorry,Philip Seymour Hoffman, hard to say RIP to someone who was so talented,directing 2 films, employing several people, having the world by the tail and to end up being found in a hotel with a needle in his arm.

   Starting to think the frog dissection skills I learned in high school are never going to pay off.

   You guys want further proof there is no God? Justin Beiber is starring in his own movie about himself. Called Justin Beiber Never say never... IN 3D!!!!!! wish I was lying...

   Necrophilia, puts the fun in funeral

   If a kid refuses to sleep during nap time, are they guilty of resisting a rest?

   Kim Davis says war has been declared on traditional marriage. Still unclear is which of her four marriages is under attack. Or her multiple affairs while being married. Cons...lol