Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I was going to buy Hannah Montana movie off Amazon com it said users who bought this also purchased hand lotion and tissues.

   Football season is a lot like my se(x) life....except for I actually care when football season is coming.

   Hugh Hefner has totally ruined blond jokes for me. Inside of every blond joke there's a Hugh Hefner joke dying to be told.

   I wonder what comes out when you vomit in a brita filter

   "We Bought A Zoo" looks like the weakest of the Bourne movies.

   Don't be unhappy if your dreams never come true -- just be thankful your nightmares don't.

   it weird that we eat dead things to stay alive?

   What if Tupac is alive and we are all holograms?

   "It's not you, it's me" - me, explaining "awesome"

   My buddy just told me that I jump every time my girlfriend says jump. That's just stupid, I'm white and everyone knows white men can't jump.

   Hey people in cavilers, you have a 4 cylinder! I have an 8, stop trying to race me.....

   Ladies: Don't ever cry when it's over, be grateful that you dodged that bullet and laugh at what the next b!tch has to put up with.

   farting in a plastic bag and selling it to kids

   I think my iPhone is broken. I pressed the home button and I'm still at work.

   What does a burnt pizza, frozen beer, and pregnant girl have in common? In each situation there was an idiot who didn't take it out in time.

   Having a good vowel movement keeps me from being consonantpated

   The only "B" word you should call a girl is beautiful. B!tches love being called beautiful.

   Somebody should tell fat girls that multiple ear piercings won't make them look skinny.

   George Zimmerman needs to meet Dexter

   So cold I accidently keyed my car with my nipples.