Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of car payments or a court date.

   Pet Peeve #5742....It annoys me when people text me and I respond and then all of a sudden it stops in mid-text like your stopping in mid conversation...and then I patiently wait and nothing... it drives me crazy...finish your text or dont text me at all!

   I have received several E-mails over the years called"The People of Walmart" I would like to start a new E-mail called"The people of the DMV" I was especially fond of the pregnant woman waiting next to us, feeding her toddlers a McDonalds breakfast. Honor

   having some serious PMS: Parked Motorcycle Syndrome!

   My favorite pickup line: Hey, what's your address, and are you a light sleeper?

   Hey, to any friend that has has ever helped me out THANKS, I'm sure I've told you before but I have just been thinking about all that other have done for me and I really appreciate it !!!! THANK YOU !!!

   From the way Vancouver goalie Roberto Loungo is playing in the Stanly Cup, it appears that he watched too much of the NBA Finals and wants to change his name to LeBron-go...

   Daddy I may find my Prince but you wil always be my King....Happy fathers day!!!

   wishes she was as funny in real life as she is on facebook

   I just read a story about how Justin Bierber likes to wear woman's jeans. I guess his package must be too small to need crotch room.

   "That's The Night That The Lights Went Out In Georgia"

   Girl, I will stay with you through thick and thin…. but preferably thin.

   I was going to buy Hannah Montana movie off Amazon com it said users who bought this also purchased hand lotion and tissues.

   Football season is a lot like my se(x) life....except for I actually care when football season is coming.

   Hugh Hefner has totally ruined blond jokes for me. Inside of every blond joke there's a Hugh Hefner joke dying to be told.

   I wonder what comes out when you vomit in a brita filter

   "We Bought A Zoo" looks like the weakest of the Bourne movies.

   Don't be unhappy if your dreams never come true -- just be thankful your nightmares don't.

   it weird that we eat dead things to stay alive?

   What if Tupac is alive and we are all holograms?