Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   :): The Bipolar smiley face

   the guy at subway put the potato chips on my sandwich without me even asking. either he's stoned or he knows that I am

   whoever just posted these last few statuses is a complete IDIOT!!

   The cool thing about The Clapper is it doubles as a strobe light during sex.

   Guy in office: "My computer just went down on me!" Lady in next office: "Which button did you press to get that???"

   YAWN so I can see if you're the one...

   While driving yesterday I saw a banana peel in the road and instinctively swerved to avoid it...thanks Mario Kart

   If breast/penis enlargment cream worked, wouldn't your hands get bigger?

   Went for a mile run today. Stupid Ice Cream Man just kept driving even though I was waving my money in the air!

   Dear McDonalds cashier, Don't give me that look, there's no age limit on a happy meal. Sincerely, don't forget the toy b!tch.

   Ever check your Facebook early in the morning where you have to close one eye because the screen is too bright?

   Doing some caroling! All by myself. In people's backyards. In the bushes. Very little singing. Mostly watching.

   It's that time of year again where commercials remind me that I will probably never get a car with a bow on it.

   I can ignore you so hard you will begin to doubt your own existence.

   The phrase, "Don't take this the wrong way" has a zero percent success rate.

   My favorite outdoor activity is going back inside.

   The woman in front of me in the checkout line wrote an actual check. I assume she then boarded her carriage and returned to her plantation.

   I know it's 3 meals a day,,,,,, But how many at night?

   What doesn't kill you makes you have lots of hospital bills.

   If I see a parked car with one of those stick figure family things, I always add a sticker of myself to it and then just wait in the car.