Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I was angry a few minutes ago, but then someone gave me a cookie to calm me down.....YES, that STILL WORKS

   Never put both feet in your mouth at the same time because then you won't have a leg to stand on.

   nothing tears a family apart like pack of wild dogs.

   Every day is free Slurpee day if you own a shotgun.

   My pet rock pees on the floor.... Bad boy!! (Then I spank his butt)... Then mom lectures me for 2 hrs. about hitting rock bottom.

   Just my luck. Switched to e-cigarettes, got e-cancer...

   Man who go through airport turnstile sideways going to Bangkok

   She's never speechless. Well except for when I shove her panties in her mouth...

   The ultimate question... is Petsmart supposed to be "Pet smart" or "Pets mart"?

   To all the girls that wear a lot of make up. It's a face not a colouring book!

   My phone's broken, if you need me, message me on MySpace .

   I'm not weird, I'm normal... You're just not used to me.

   Jamie Lee Curtis, please take your Activia, and blow it out your a$$.

   Customer : Waiter, what's the meaning of this fly in my tea cup? Waiter : I wouldn't know sir; I'm a waiter, not a fortune teller.

   Why don't blind people go skydiving? Because it scares the hell out of their dog.

   had some x-rays taken today, turns out I'm not big-boned...just fat :(

   "I don't care what political party you lean towards, what religious denomination you claim or what side of the tracks you live on, I love you anyways. Whether you like it or not."

   When is cinco de mayo?

   Someone should tell Palin that using the term "lamestream media" makes her sound like an '80's movie bully. But maybe I'm just a spazwad.

   what's with women who include their kids in their photo albums for online dating profile? What message are you trying to send? 2 for the price of one?