Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Bin Laden sees what BP's done, and he's like, "Man, I've got to step up my game."

   I'm like Bush, I see the world more like checkers than chess.

   Smile and the world will smile back at you .. :D

   To succeed in life, you need two things: ignorance and confidence.

   Badder then your Ex and Better then your next

   I was angry a few minutes ago, but then someone gave me a cookie to calm me down.....YES, that STILL WORKS

   Never put both feet in your mouth at the same time because then you won't have a leg to stand on.

   nothing tears a family apart like pack of wild dogs.

   Every day is free Slurpee day if you own a shotgun.

   My pet rock pees on the floor.... Bad boy!! (Then I spank his butt)... Then mom lectures me for 2 hrs. about hitting rock bottom.

   Just my luck. Switched to e-cigarettes, got e-cancer...

   Man who go through airport turnstile sideways going to Bangkok

   She's never speechless. Well except for when I shove her panties in her mouth...

   The ultimate question... is Petsmart supposed to be "Pet smart" or "Pets mart"?

   To all the girls that wear a lot of make up. It's a face not a colouring book!

   My phone's broken, if you need me, message me on MySpace .

   I'm not weird, I'm normal... You're just not used to me.

   Jamie Lee Curtis, please take your Activia, and blow it out your a$$.

   Customer : Waiter, what's the meaning of this fly in my tea cup? Waiter : I wouldn't know sir; I'm a waiter, not a fortune teller.

   Why don't blind people go skydiving? Because it scares the hell out of their dog.