Funny Status Messages and Tweets

Funny Status Messages for Facebook, Discord, and Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.

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   messageicon I was angry a few minutes ago, but then someone gave me a cookie to calm me down.....YES, that STILL WORKS
←Rate | 02-23-2010 17:49 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Never put both feet in your mouth at the same time because then you won't have a leg to stand on.
←Rate | 03-02-2010 12:17 by Lemonpillow Comments (1)  


   messageicon nothing tears a family apart like pack of wild dogs.
←Rate | 03-24-2010 12:00 by MG Comments (0)  


   messageicon Every day is free Slurpee day if you own a shotgun.
←Rate | 07-11-2013 12:37 by HiYourJon Comments (0)  


   messageicon My pet rock pees on the floor.... Bad boy!! (Then I spank his butt)... Then mom lectures me for 2 hrs. about hitting rock bottom.
←Rate | 07-22-2013 19:33 by snotty Comments (0)  


   messageicon Just my luck. Switched to e-cigarettes, got e-cancer...
←Rate | 08-01-2013 19:05 Comments (1)  


   messageicon Man who go through airport turnstile sideways going to Bangkok
←Rate | 04-15-2013 22:07 Comments (0)  


   messageicon She's never speechless. Well except for when I shove her panties in her mouth...
←Rate | 01-07-2013 14:26 by Marshall the Great Comments (0)  


   messageicon The ultimate question... is Petsmart supposed to be "Pet smart" or "Pets mart"?
←Rate | 01-26-2013 21:15 by BEGO Comments (0)  


   messageicon To all the girls that wear a lot of make up. It's a face not a colouring book!
←Rate | 11-21-2012 15:50 by Jackoo Comments (0)  


   messageicon My phone's broken, if you need me, message me on MySpace .
←Rate | 02-25-2013 09:42 by Baby D Comments (0)  


   messageicon I'm not weird, I'm normal... You're just not used to me.
←Rate | 06-09-2011 12:50 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Jamie Lee Curtis, please take your Activia, and blow it out your a$$.
←Rate | 09-24-2011 08:15 by Mick F Comments (0)  


   messageicon Customer : Waiter, what's the meaning of this fly in my tea cup? Waiter : I wouldn't know sir; I'm a waiter, not a fortune teller.
←Rate | 10-04-2011 12:37 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Why don't blind people go skydiving? Because it scares the hell out of their dog.
←Rate | 10-12-2011 19:44 by g0re Comments (0)  


   messageicon had some x-rays taken today, turns out I'm not big-boned...just fat :(
←Rate | 08-19-2011 08:06 by @youvgotdave Comments (0)  


   messageicon "I don't care what political party you lean towards, what religious denomination you claim or what side of the tracks you live on, I love you anyways. Whether you like it or not."
←Rate | 04-30-2011 20:39 by Hoytville Comments (0)  


   messageicon When is cinco de mayo?
←Rate | 05-05-2011 07:46 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Someone should tell Palin that using the term "lamestream media" makes her sound like an '80's movie bully. But maybe I'm just a spazwad.
←Rate | 05-19-2011 13:51 Comments (0)  


   messageicon what's with women who include their kids in their photo albums for online dating profile? What message are you trying to send? 2 for the price of one?
←Rate | 07-01-2011 01:43 Comments (0)  




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