Funny Status Messages and Tweets
Funny Status Messages for Facebook, Discord, and Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.
Page: 4467 of 6446

I was angry a few minutes ago, but then someone gave me a cookie to calm me down.....YES, that STILL WORKS
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02-23-2010 17:49
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Never put both feet in your mouth at the same time because then you won't have a leg to stand on.

nothing tears a family apart like pack of wild dogs.
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03-24-2010 12:00 by MG
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Every day is free Slurpee day if you own a shotgun.
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07-11-2013 12:37 by HiYourJon
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My pet rock pees on the floor.... Bad boy!! (Then I spank his butt)... Then mom lectures me for 2 hrs. about hitting rock bottom.
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07-22-2013 19:33 by snotty
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Just my luck. Switched to e-cigarettes, got e-cancer...
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08-01-2013 19:05
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Man who go through airport turnstile sideways going to Bangkok
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04-15-2013 22:07
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She's never speechless. Well except for when I shove her panties in her mouth...

The ultimate question... is Petsmart supposed to be "Pet smart" or "Pets mart"?
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01-26-2013 21:15 by BEGO
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To all the girls that wear a lot of make up. It's a face not a colouring book!
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11-21-2012 15:50 by Jackoo
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My phone's broken, if you need me, message me on MySpace .
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02-25-2013 09:42 by Baby D
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I'm not weird, I'm normal... You're just not used to me.
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06-09-2011 12:50
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Jamie Lee Curtis, please take your Activia, and blow it out your a$$.
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09-24-2011 08:15 by Mick F
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Customer : Waiter, what's the meaning of this fly in my tea cup? Waiter : I wouldn't know sir; I'm a waiter, not a fortune teller.
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10-04-2011 12:37
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Why don't blind people go skydiving? Because it scares the hell out of their dog.
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10-12-2011 19:44 by g0re
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had some x-rays taken today, turns out I'm not big-boned...just fat :(

"I don't care what political party you lean towards, what religious denomination you claim or what side of the tracks you live on, I love you anyways. Whether you like it or not."
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04-30-2011 20:39 by Hoytville
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When is cinco de mayo?
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05-05-2011 07:46
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Someone should tell Palin that using the term "lamestream media" makes her sound like an '80's movie bully. But maybe I'm just a spazwad.
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05-19-2011 13:51
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what's with women who include their kids in their photo albums for online dating profile? What message are you trying to send? 2 for the price of one?
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07-01-2011 01:43
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