Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   The cop thought I was texting and driving so I pulled down my pants and showed him why I was smiling at my crotch.

   Look, it's time they give Scooby Doo a leash to deal with the "Where are you?" questions all the damn time.

   I witnessed an "occupy best buy" last night?

   Please tell me there is not a game of naming one thing you want from now til Christmas

   A mind without laughter is a dangerous place to pitch a tent...

   You know you spend too much time on facebook when you want to 'like' someone's text message.

   Just replace the Star of David with a UFO, and now this nativity scene depicts the birth of Suri Cruise!

   Ho Ho Ho= the first 3 girls on Santas naughty list

   Dear Real Life, why don't you have background music?

   i feel sorry for future generation college kids.....we buy our books & can sell them back...in the future it will be a kindle download you cant sell back

   If you are not at the table, you are probably on the menu.

   Always and never are two words you should always remember never to use.

   Worry is a darkroom where negatives develop

   Glasses and Bangs.......I just got the 2011 Memo

   The Packers had a Super Bowl celebration & as a special treat, Christina Aguilera came & messed up the words to “We Are the Champions."

   When giving out relationship advice, fishes are often at a loss for words when forming an analogy to convey how other chances are out there.

   I've always wondered who it is that the generic, singing fat lady uses as an measure of execution when she has to get her own things done.

   It is impossible for me to take the separatist strife in the Philippines seriously when the leading paramilitary organization goes by MILF

   I had a couple of those drinks last night called Mind Erasers. They must have done the trick because I can't remember anything from 1 am till just now!

   Ok... the first little fat flying dude that comes near me with a bow and arrow is gonna get smacked with a fly swatter...