Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   What burns Donald Trump more, losing the Trumpcare bill or his herpes that he referred to as his "personal Vietnam"?

   Everytime I do something dumb, I just remind myself that at least I don't believe in a imaginary guy named 'Q' who can do anything in this world. That always makes me feel better.

   Friends are like boobs. Some are big, some are small, and some are fake.

   Always and never are two words you should always remember never to use.

   Worry is a darkroom where negatives develop

   Glasses and Bangs.......I just got the 2011 Memo

   The Packers had a Super Bowl celebration & as a special treat, Christina Aguilera came & messed up the words to “We Are the Champions."

   When giving out relationship advice, fishes are often at a loss for words when forming an analogy to convey how other chances are out there.

   I've always wondered who it is that the generic, singing fat lady uses as an measure of execution when she has to get her own things done.

   It is impossible for me to take the separatist strife in the Philippines seriously when the leading paramilitary organization goes by MILF

   I had a couple of those drinks last night called Mind Erasers. They must have done the trick because I can't remember anything from 1 am till just now!

   Ok... the first little fat flying dude that comes near me with a bow and arrow is gonna get smacked with a fly swatter...

   Just gave a squirrel some of his nuts

   Having my doubts about this dehydrated water that I bought off Craigslist for the plastic plants in my office..............

   Signs you are getting old: My friend was asked last week how she can sleep so early at night, and answered, "an eyemask." The person who asked wanted to know how an iMask worked.

   The NEW Black Panthers? what happened to the OLD Black Panters.?

   Next Election campaign should be "real change" the one after it should be "seriously change"

   The only thing I don't like about fat is that it doesn't have any sugar in it.

   Just burped a raptor call..

   When life becomes boring it simply mean you're not living it right.