Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   This Pizza Hut is so stupid. They just keep yelling, "SIR WHAT'S YOUR EMERGENCY?!?!" over and over.

   The refs in the NFL are throwing a ridiculous amount of flags these days. Pro football is now metaphorically considerd "flag football."

   Sex and Coffee. What more is there?

   "No one remembers who came in second, only losers" - 2013 Tweet from Donald Trump

   American Word Of The Day: Hoochie. My girl found another girl's number in my phone and yelled, "Tell me hoochie is, before I stab you!"

   People ask me why I don’t have any tattoos and I respond with, would you put a bumper sticker on a Ferrari?

   "I now pronounce you, "husband and what the hell did I just do..."

   This girl said she recognized me from the vegetarian club,,, but I’d never met herbivore.... *gets pulled off the stage by a giant cane*

   If I had to describe myself in 3 words... I don't know.

   I'm an adult, but not "pay my bills on time" adult.

   In a perfect world, men would get the silent treatment anytime they requested it.

   50 Cent, or as he's called in the U.K, approximately 29p ...

   So, where's the reset button on this life thing?

   Who's in charge of the Facebook awards this year? I have a few names to submit for the "most likely to commit bestiality" category.

   Does this nervous breakdown make me look fat?

   We're told constantly to follow our dreams. Well, my dream is to thwart every single other human's dream.

   *Phone rings* "Mr. Hughes" "Yeah?" "You need to come pick your son of from school" "Awe crap, what did he do?" "Nothing, its almost midnight"

   What's the prescription strength number for cupcakes?

   I say we 3D print some thumbs for dolphins and see what happens.

   My neighbour just overheard me asking "what's your problem?" to a cute little squirrel on my front lawn.