Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   don't you occasionally go through your friends' list and think to yourself: DANG! I'd hit that....... with a truck!

   A fauxhawk is a good way of letting people know they can beat you in a fight.

   Never forget what someone says when they're angry. Apologies are given when people are sorry that others heard their unfiltered opinions.

   I haven't received a gift from you yet. Can you send the tracking number?

   Golfing today and noticed a Partridge under a Pine Tree. Stupid bird ruined the song.

   There comes a time in every man's life when he starts using this phrase.

   Not everything that cometh your way is yours to keep. Some things are meant for temporary use only. And that applies to people too.

   I play real sports…I'm not trying to be the best at exercising

   my friend just stopped by to tell me he has a drinking problem.. I told him admitting it is half the battle... he told me loaning him $20.00 is the cure.

   Time magazine just released this year 100 most influential people...How can Samuel Adams not make this list?...I'm under his influence everytime I leave a Bar.

   Ever since shows like American Idol and Dancing With The Stars, we have A$$HOLES who think they're judges.

   You don't lose weight; you get rid of it, unless you intend on finding it again.

   My wife told me I spend too much time on facebook, so I poked her and liked her divorced status.

   Smart girls open their minds. Easy girls open their legs & foolish girls open their hearts.

   Noone is ever best-friends with an English major...

   sooo glad tomorrow is Monday!!! (crickets chirping)...what?...

   Johnny Depp dresses like a human dreamcatcher.

   This trucker just cut me off and now when I call to complain no one is answering at 1-800 EAT SH!T.

   My girlfriend told me that I need to treat her like she is something precious... So I threw her into a Volcano.

   You know that feeling when you know you're doing something wrong but you just keep doing it anyway? That's how I feel all the time.