Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I would love to put a smile on your face..and I will be using construction paper and a stapler.

   Don't you hate when you read someone's post that you usually find at least a little chuckle of humor in and not only is there no chuckle, it's not even insightful or clever and it's just entirely too long and the sentence runs on and on yet for some reaso

   Try saying "good luck" without sounding sarcastic..... Good luck.

   Tomorrow is always fresh, with no mistakes in it

   I would love to speak a foreign language but I can't. So I grew hair under my arms instead.

   It was all good at the HS reunion party until I laughed too hard my gun fell out of my pocket.

   "Was that lightning?" "No. They're taking pictures for Google Earth."

   What if there's money hidden behind every wall in my house? What if there's a sale on sledgehammers? What if sh*t's about to get crazy?

   bring back Gay jeffrey!! I always used his stuff that he put up!!!

   It's cute how "America's Got Talent" focuses on singing & dancing instead of our real talents: overeating & complaining.

   Be as smart as Wikipedia, but think like Google

   You had me at "Restraining Order."

   Moonwalking into exam rooms is how I let patients know they are going to die.

   I dont see what's the big deal about Bath Salt Water... I tried it and nothing happened, but I gotta tell ya..... Everything sure looks like CHICKEN!!!

   Brought the wrong size underwear. Now I look like I'm smuggling grapes.

   Traveled home by pogo stick last night, got stopped by the police for jumping a red light.

   Will celebrate Canada Day by continuing to be unable to name one single Province they've got up there.

   It doesn't sound manly for a guy to say he's tweeting on Twitter.

   What's sad is that December 22, 2012 falls on a Saturday, so you can't go to school and say "Oh, I thought we were all going to die, so I didn't do my homework".

   You can't face the problem, if the problem is your face.