Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I may need a helping hand with my New Year's resolution in giving up masterbating.

   Well slap my ass and call me a McDonald's ice cream machine, 'cause I'm broke.

   I don't want to live anymore I'm going on vacation to Santo Domingo

   The only correct answer to the question are you sleeping is no.

   Being a police officer is an occupation, a choice. It comes with a salary and benefits just like any other jobs. AllJobsMatter

   Mike Pence's home State Republicans are delighted he's running for Vice President rather then re-election as Govenor because they're worried HE WOULD LOSE!

   Russia's intelligence agency the FSB, successor to the KGB, has posted a notice on its website claiming that it now has the ability to collect crypto keys for Internet services that use encryption. Thanks Donald Trump!!

   It costs you nothing to pay someone a compliment. Be nice to someone today. Kindness is contagious.

   If your city doesn't have a jazz or classical radio station, chances are your neighbors own lots of guns.

   One of the best feelings in the world is when you hug someone you love and they pepper spray you.

   ...it's ok that it's not movie quality!.

   So a priest and a Rabbi walk into a bar. Bartender looks at them and says "What is this? Some kind of f@*king joke???"

   I have decided this Valentines I am going to get prostitutes off the streets .... For an hour or so ..

   Taking my wife to see the Muppets tonight. I hope her mum cooks something I like this time

   I've got 99 problems, so I metaphorically placed each one in a luftballoon and then send them on their way to the horizon.

   Oprah donated her $ to build a school on another country tax free. Thats ok, no kids here need help..she celebrates presidents day by owning a president..Fweeeeeee

   Today is Ash Wednesday, the day that I get to go around and tell people they have a nice "ash" and not get funny looks or get in trouble.

   B!tch on hardcore pawn got called..'pepperoni ass' I think America jus got its new catch phrase

   We have a robot that shoots lasers, they have a fruit. I think androids win.

   I can never take an email seriously if it is typed in Comic Sans.